Friday, May 23, 2014

32 weeks

... Which means 10 weeks (at the very most) to go! Hoping for only 8 weeks but you never know - this little guy seems to want to do things differently than his sister. And London is so much like me, so if he's anything like Ben he'll be ... less than timely. 

How far along?: 32 weeks
How big is baby?: according to WTE, he's the size of a head of lettuce (approximately 3lbs 9oz) and about 19in long, which means he's almost reached his birth length and now it's time to pack on the pounds 
Weight gain?: lost 3lbs since my last appt
Stretch marks?: nope
Maternity clothes?: picked up some used pieces from another mama in exchange for making her daughter some hair bows. Win!! Hopefully I'm done buying maternity clothes forever. 
Sleep?: interrupted, sometimes by waking up choking / vomiting. The joys of heartburn. 
Best moment last week?: some of my nearest and dearest hosted a beautiful "sprinkle" to celebrate me & the boy. It was such a fun afternoon with some of my favorite ladies, and we were so blessed with kindness and love!
Food cravings?: tacos
Symptoms?: heartburn is still kicking my butt. The pubic symphysis stuff seems to be getting somewhat worse, so I can really tell if I've overdone it with too much walking. 
Exercise?: yoga
Movement?: getting crowded in there! The movements are starting to become uncomfortable, especially if I'm sitting down and he's pressing into my ribs. Hiccups are more frequent too
Belly button?: partially popped
What I miss?: I can't bend over to put London in her crib anymore, can barely buckle sandles on myself, and it's very difficult to get comfortable in child's pose
Labor signs?: Baby is not currently breech, hooray!
What I'm looking forward to?: heading to the beach this afternoon ... Assuming I ever get out of this doctor appointment. I've been here over an hour and still haven't been called back / not awesome for an appt that shouldn't take more than 15min total. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

For the mamas who aren't mamas

Maybe that's wrong to say. What I mean is, I firmly believe you can have a mother's heart without having a child, or without having one who is here on this earth. 

Maybe your baby is not here yet, but you've been praying for him every day. Maybe it's been months, years. Wondering if it will ever happen for you. Wondering if your heart will ever truly be at peace, if you'll be able to fulfill the longing to look into your baby's eyes and stroke her hair and know that this. THIS is what you had been waiting, hoping, praying for. What you already knew, in the depths of your being, was meant to be. 

Maybe your mother's heart aches for a child that never was. For a lifetime of wishing, and finally accepting it will never be. Always wondering what kind of mom you would've been, whether he would've had your husband's dimpled chin or your blue eyes. Mourning the loss of someone who you never really knew, and yet knew better than anyone - all at the same time. 

Maybe your child was on this earth, but has gone on to be with our Heavenly Father. Perhaps she was here for an hour, a day, or even years. Perhaps he never lived outside the comfort of your womb. And you wonder why God would bless you with such an incredible gift, only to take it away too soon. Because, when it comes to losing a child, it is always ALWAYS too soon. Your heart may now be filled with precious memories but also with sorrow for a loss that will never, ever fully heal. 

Whatever the case may be, if you are one of these women, I imagine this weekend was incredibly painful for you. I imagine the cards, flowers, brunch reservations and macaroni artwork was all just too much for your broken mama's heart. And for that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you didnt receive a card with finger painted flowers or a beautiful bouquet, and that no one brought you breakfast in bed. I'm sorry that you were inundated with the reminders of your child that isn't. 

My heart hurts for you because I know

I have a hard time even putting these words in writing for fear that someone may feel I am trivializing their pain. Believe me when I say, I'm not. Your pain is real and nothing I can say can take it away. But while I'm having pancakes and opening gifts, my heart is aching, too. I lost my first baby on Mother's Day a few years ago and, as too many of you know, it's a hurt you just don't forget. 

We had grand plans of telling our own mothers that they would soon become grandmothers; that their Mother's Day gifts would soon be accompanied by toddler artwork and candid baby photos. But instead, a few days before, I was told it was not to be. That I wouldn't be having this baby. And on Mother's Day, I began to miscarry the child that would've made me a mother. The physical pain was intense, to say the least, but the emotional pain was tenfold. I spent a day that should've been a grand celebration curled in a ball, going in between broken sleep and crying. It was hard. And it got harder before it got easier. 

I am one of the lucky ones, I know. I am beyond blessed to have quickly gotten pregnant and delivered our perfect London Claire. And I am doubly blessed to be carrying, and hopefully soon deliver, a son whom will fill my heart like I never knew possible. But that doesn't take away from my baby that wasn't. And it doesn't take away the hurt of all the women who should be mamas, but aren't. 

So let this serve as an open letter of apology: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever the reason your baby isn't here. And I'm sorry for the hurt you feel in the darkest parts of your soul. I'm sorry. I pray, pray, pray it gets easier for you. But I know that your mama's heart will never stop being a little bit broken. Because mine still is. 

Sunday, May 11, 2014

30 weeks

Three quarters of the way there! I had a doctor's appointment Friday morning and things are going great. I had a great Mother's Day and I can't believe I'll be spending next year's with TWO kids. 

How far along?: 30w2d
How big is baby?: according to WTE, baby is 17in, 3.1lb and the size of a butternut squash. It's funny; in the past month, I've been lectured about how much weight I was gaining, talked to about how big baby is, and told I looked / was measuring small... All by my doctors. So I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing unless they tell me otherwise and assume baby will be average size like London was. 
Weight gain?: 17lbs - back to averaging a pound a week which I'm ok with! Hoping to stay below 30lbs total. 
Stretch marks?: nope
Maternity clothes?: nothing new or exciting. Anyone have recommendations for shorts?
Sleep?: back to being interrupted, either by heartburn or having to pee. Averaging 7ish hours of sleep with at least one wake-up. Tough to get comfortable, especially bc of the awful heartburn. 
Best moment last week?: I had such a fun Mother's Day today! Breakfast with Ben's family, church, strawberry picking, shopping, an awesome dinner, and visiting with my sister & Greg. 
Food cravings?: curbed my Indian craving tonight :)
Symptoms?: heartburn, peeing constantly, heartburn, feeling like I've been kicked in the crotch, did I mention heartburn?
Exercise?: yoga is helping quite a bit with the pubic pain, so that's a relief
Gender?: still a boy, still no name
Movement?: much more frequent and starting to get a little uncomfortable. He's had the hiccups a few times, and gave me a panic last week when I woke up in the middle of the night Friday morning. I waited around to feel him move before falling back asleep, after a pretty slow moving day Thursday, and never did - so the doctor did a non-stress test at my appt, during which I vomited, so she then ordered a cervical check (ugh). Good news: his heart rate and movement is consistent with 32-34w so the dr isn't worried, I'm not having any contractions, and my cervix is high & closed. Bad news: having a cervical check. "A lot of pressure" is the understatement of the century. 
Belly button?: uggggly. I'm wondering if I should reconsider my plan to wear a bikini in two weeks at the beach!
What I miss?: sushi, alcohol, cold cuts (I've indulged in both of the latter recently)
Labor signs?: nope
What I'm looking forward to?: our "roommate" is moving out (Ben's childhood friend who's been staying with us for about a month), and while we will miss having him here (especially London!), I'm ready to get started on this nursery. Only 9ish weeks to go!!