Wednesday, August 31, 2011

you are STRONGER than you seem

... which could also be called:

the one where I admit I have no idea what's going on

Either of my parents would tell you I came out of the womb headstrong, confident and demanding. My mother was in hard labor with all 9 lbs of me for 24 hours with no drugs - I just didn't feel like coming out yet. I cried if someone other than my mother held me, which they labeled as colic - I just wanted to be with my mom. The point is, I know what I want, and always have. I can remember, as a slightly older child, telling my parents I needed a drink. "Do you NEED it, or do you WANT it?", my father would ask. Hmm: I'm not dehydrated. I'm not in a desert. I don't have to swallow a pill. "I guess I want it." But I got the drink anyway, so I never broke the habit of confusing my wants with needs.

What I'm trying to get at is this: our wants often become so desperate (at least in our minds), we think we need the thing in question. But more times than not, we don't need it. So if I don't need that pair of shoes or a second brownie or a new car (I could go on and on), what do I need? I've come to realize recently

I don't know

That revelation is so scary, as someone who has maintained the "I can take care of myself" attitude so confidently for many years. The admission that I don't know what's going on in my life, in my head, in my body. And then, a moment later, it's not scary. Because the more I find I don't know what I need, the more I find God does. Which is pretty cool, right? 

Yes. It is cool.

A lot of this goes back to the control thing. I'm a Type A personality (or as my best friend Kelly likes to call it, "crazy") and that's basically just a nice way of saying I'm a control freak. I should have a warning label, but this will have to do. In my aforementioned 26 has been a big year note, I should've included the mention that giving up control has been one of the things I've been trying to accomplish, and that can be directly correlated to giving that control to God. I mean, as long as somebody's got a handle on my life, I guess that's ok, right?

Right. It is ok.

The long and the short of it (mostly long, at this point) is this: 
God knows what I need. 
I do not. 
I need to stop pretending that I do. 
I need to start understanding that, if He thinks I need it, I do.
And if He thinks I need it, He'll give me the strength to get through it.

Which is awesome.

So while I might whine or get frustrated or even cry over this lack of understanding what's happened or where I'm headed or what's going to come my way, I'm really focusing to remember the positive, and that is that - whatever it is - I can handle it. And I made THIS to remind myself. I just have to figure out where I'm going to hang it.

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