It's ok if you don't love it all the time

I went in for Winston's two month checkup a few weeks ago, scheduled with precision to allow me enough time to run through the Starbucks drive-thru after dropping London off at preschool and still arriving ten minutes early (a feat that never happens with two young kids and a chronically late husband). After the standard weight check (11'10 WHAT WHAT!!) and brief questions with the nurse, our pediatrician greeted me the way I imagine she greets old friends. She's warm and candid and actually remembers stuff about me and my kids. We complimented each other's hair (hers, darker and mine, shorter) and talked about our parents. 

And then, she asked how I was doing. Not in a "postpartum depression checklist" sort-of way, but in a genuinely concerned way that is a rarity for me to hear as a new mom of two. I told her the truth - that I was OK - and quickly, guilt overtook me for not giving a canned response about how full my heart was with this new baby, so I added in that Winston was sleeping pretty well at night, so I had a lot to be thankful for. Her response was like a breath of fresh air for my weary mama soul: "just because you have a lot to be thankful for doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time." 

Winston is a tough baby, I'll be the first one to tell you that. But being a mom is tough even when your baby is "easy". And being a mom to two is even tougher. Kudos to all of you who do this three or four times because I just don't think I'm cut out for that. Yet I know that I am blessed to be at home with my littles, while other mamas have to tear their hearts into pieces each morning at the daycare drop off. And as the sleepless nights with the newborn turn into early morning wake up calls with the toddler, and as they take turns crying (or sometimes, in unison, for a lovely little chorus of ear torture), and as the laundry and dishes continue to pile up... It's hard not to let my mind wander about whether it'd be easier to go back to work. To wonder if maybe I wasn't made to be a SAHM. To feel so guilty about not enjoying every little waking moment with these tiny terrorists. 

I know in my heart (especially after I've had a cup of coffee) that I love staying home with these two and I wouldn't trade it for the world. But now, when things get really tough and I feel guilty for not fully appreciating the fact that I get to be a SAHM, I'm trying to remind myself of this:

Just because you know it's a blessing doesn't mean you always feel blessed by it. 

And that's ok. And it's ok to want to throw in the towel or start drinking at 2 some days. It doesn't make me a bad mom; on the contrary, I think it makes me a better one, because it forces me to take a minute and breathe deep and not strangle anyone. A day where I don't strangle anyone? I call that a win. 

So, for those of you who are struggling to be thankful for staying home with your kids - whether you're willing to admit it or not - it's ok. Tomorrow will be better and one of those little psychopaths will ask to cuddle with you on the couch, and you'll thank your lucky stars you get to spend your days looking after them. 

Surviving the First Weeks

(y'all, forgive me. this post was started months ago ... way back in July ... and I never posted it. shame on me. that's what sleep deprivation / trying to navigate new-mommyhood will do to you. I hope it still makes sense!)

Instead of an updated "London Claire is Three Weeks" post, I wanted to do a special post. I was inspired by Page, who did a similar post months ago, and have been holding ideas for this post in the back of my head since the day we brought London home. And I want to make sure I get this up sooner rather than later, mostly for two special ladies I know who are about to welcome their own sweet babes.

(how'd that work out? good intentions, y'all, good intentions. lucky for me, we always have more friends who are about to welcome new babies into their homes, so hopefully this post will do someone some good, somewhere. if nothing else, it'll be a good reminder for me if / when we have another baby, Good Lord Willing)

Of course, I can't skip out on updating y'all on our girl, but I'll keep it brief. She's been "diagnosed" with reflux and we've started her on Zantac, so hopefully our sweet baby will get some relief soon. In case you were wondering what reflux looks like in a three week old, it's evenings of inconsolable crying, vomiting, swallowing and then crying after burps, and refusal to be laid flat on her back. It is un-be-lievably sad to hold your newborn while she sobs and know there's nothing you can do. But we're trying to fix her, poor thing. In happy news, she's currently 9lbs 2oz - obviously the reflux is not stopping her from eating. And she's starting to wear some of her 0-3 months clothes, which makes mama sad and happy all at the same time.

Now then, back to the task at hand: surviving the first weeks of motherhood. I am certain that this list will change and grow as London changes and grows, but here's where we are after three weeks - the top ten things that have made our lives so much easier.

1. Boppy Pillow
   This is a staple on all the registry suggestion lists, and for good reason. I didn't pack mine in my hospital bag initially, but I asked my mom to go get it the first morning. I can breastfeed without it, but it certainly makes things a lot easier on my tired arms. And it's really sweet when London falls asleep eating and just lays on the Boppy "milk drunk" as we call it. Get at least one extra cover for it - because babies are messy, for real.
   the boppy is also great for when baby is first learning how to sit on his/her own
2. Video Monitor
   We went back and forth on whether the video feature is worth it - trust me, IT IS. I'm sure there's any number of brands that are great, but I like ours because it has zoom / pan, and you can independently control volume and video. So a light sleeper like me can just tap a button (almost like a snooze button - which could be dangerous) and turn the video part off and on. This is great for that first night your baby sleeps a ridiculously long time (5 hours?!) and you wake up freaking out that she must not be breathing. Not that I did that, of course...
   if we were buying another one, I might choose this one because it shows the temperature. I go in every night before I go to bed to make sure she's warm enough.
3. Sleep Sack
   Ben & I watched Happiest Baby on the Block before London was born - I highly recommend it - and utilize pretty much all of the 5 S's to soothe her. Neither of us was particular good at swaddling (that, or L is just a baby Houdini) but we love the sleep sack, especially for middle-of-the-night, half-asleep re-swaddling after diaper changes.
   I recommend multiple sizes and fabrics depending on the season your baby is born. we used these religiously until she was four months old and starting rolling over.
4. Mobile
   My friend Sloan had told me that black & white contrast is the easiest thing for babies' eyes to see while they're still learning to focus, so I picked a mobile that featured just those two colors. L has loved it almost from day one. She hangs out in her crib and we just keep restarting the mobile over and over again while she lays staring at her sheep - it's pretty adorable.
5. Sleep Sheep
   This is another one of the "hot" baby items, and there's a number of different white noise machines, but we love the sleep sheep. It's strapped to the crib, and has a variety of sounds and volumes (we use the ocean one). L's godmother bought her a travel sleep sheep, which I keep in the diaper bag at the advice of my mom - it has saved us during more than one car / shopping meltdown, and it will definitely be coming overseas with us!
   when sleep training, the sleep sheep proved to be a downfall because it shuts off after 30 minutes. we ended up using the homedics sound spa with "rain" because it stays on all night.
6. Swing
   My mother-in-law is the queen of all things consignment, and got this swing at a yard sale to keep at her house. After seeing how much London absolutely loved it, I begged her to bring it to us in a fit of desperation (sleep deprivation will do that to you, among other things). She is sleeping in it as we speak, and has been for two hours. Again, it has a mobile, which she loves, and it's so cozy - perfect for a little snuggly newborn.
7. Bouncy Seat
   This and this alone is responsible for all of my weekday showers since Ben has been back to work. She sleeps in it, with just the vibration feature, or "plays" in it, with the animals & lights going. It's great for babies with reflux especially, because it's on an incline. And all things vibration are holy in this house. That sounds dirty, but you know what I mean. Or maybe you don't - my baby loves vibration. That's all.
8. Burp Cloths
   Someone told me at one of my showers "you can never have too many bibs" ... wrong. You can. We do. But you can NEVER have too many burp cloths. We have a variety - nice ones that are embroidered with her name, some hand-me-downs from Sloan that are really thick and absorbent, and some cheap ones that are really cloth diapers but we use them for everything, from wiping up spit up off the floor to laying on the changing pad (so we don't have to wash the whole thing every time she pees or poops all over the place. which is like daily, in case you were wondering).
   try to get some that are thicker than these; they sort-of fold up in the dryer
9. Muslin Blankets
   These things are stupid expensive so I didn't register for them but thank goodness Sloan is smart enough to know I needed them, so she passed down a few. They go everywhere with us. Covering the carseat to protect from sun, draping over me & the babe to nurse, swaddling in a pinch when she won't nap out on the go. They're awesome, and well worth the money, promise.
   great for playdates when baby is learning to roll over - you can throw it on the ground so s/he isn't laying on a dirty carpet in a public place
10. Gripe Water
    Poor little London got the hiccups all. the. time. when I was pregnant and it didn't stop after she was born. This gripe water is like magic. I'm not sure if it's just sugar water creating a placebo effect, or if it's just the act of quick swallowing, but a few drops almost always get rid of her hiccups right away. And a baby without hiccups is a much happier baby!

Letters to London: Self Promotion

Dear London,

You learned how to crawl last weekend. It's amazing how quickly our lives changed overnight, now that you are mobile. You see something, and you go after it - whether it's your favorite toy "Kumar the Giraffe", or the space heater (which, for whatever reason, really piques your interest. it fights back, though, as you quickly learned). 

It's scary to know that you no longer stay where we put you, and we have to watch you every second. Especially scary for me, as I'm about to be the one caring for you all day every day. But there's also something really awesome that came with crawling. You are SO proud of yourself for being able to go where you want to go, that you stop and clap for yourself. It might be the cutest thing you've ever done. I couldn't stop taking pictures and video of it, and laughing and crying at the cuteness. 

You have always loved when other people clap for you, and now that you can clap for yourself, you do it all the time. It's the most earnest expression of how happy you are about something. I can't get enough of it.

London Claire, You are fantastic, and amazing, and awesome. And you deserve to be praised. Never stop being proud of your accomplishments, my darling girl. I hope you always know how proud your dad & I are of you. And while I hope we're always there to clap for you, I hope you're not afraid to clap for yourself if no one else does. You deserve it, you're the best there is, and we love you so much.

You're such a special little baby. You make us smile every single day and we are so SO lucky you're ours. 

XOXO,

Your Mommy

Motherhood Confessions: I am not afraid. I was born to do this.

I read that quote on Momastery this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Supposedly Joan of Arc said it. Who knows if she really did. Who cares. It is, or should be, true for any one of us at some point (and hopefully multiple points) of our lives.

I am not afraid.

I was afraid. I got sick to my stomach and shaky every time I talked about quitting my job. I asked my best friend if perhaps I was making the wrong decision. She told me what I already knew - that only I could decide that. But that if I felt it was the right decision, it would become the right decision. And when I finally did it, I started to realize that I wasn't quitting my job. That's not what this is about. It's about choosing to stay home with my daughter. My precious gift from God who is changing by the minute. It's about accepting the gift my husband is giving me. The opportunity to focus 100% of my time and energy on our child and our home and things that make me happy if I can find the time for them, free of guilt for the fact that I'm no longer contributing financially to our existence. I am not quitting. I am choosing a different path, and I am not afraid of it.

I was born to do this.

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. Always. Even when I saw my own mother screwing up, or when I felt like she wasn't being the kind of mother I saw on television, I loved who she was. I loved what she did for us. I understood, at nine years old, the sacrifices she made to give me and sister a better life. She gave away the life she knew to save us. That is being a mother in the most raw sense. Sacrificing yourself, for your children. And while it's easy to see this decision to stay home as a selfish one, it's a sacrifice for me to care for London. I will be giving up a lifestyle I've gotten very accustomed to - eating out whenever we choose, going out for drinks, shopping, traveling, setting a budget but never adhering to it. I will be losing a part of myself socially and emotionally, through I'll try to find new ways to augment those and other portions of myself in my new life. But I am so happy to do it. Thrilled, in fact. Because I was born to do this. I was born to be a mother. London's mother. And hopefully, someday, someone else's mother, too. But for now, this is what I was born to do.

I am not a talented musician but if I was, I'd find a way to express my thanks for this new chapter in a beautiful song. For my husband, and for God, and for London. Ever since I made the decision to leave my job and stay at home with my girl, it feels like the chains around my body, especially my heart, have been broken and my heart is singing for joy. 

I am not afraid. I was born to do this. I hope you find what you were born to do. And I hope, when you find it, you are not afraid. Because there is no greater blessing than being who you are, and doing what you were born to do.

Meet The New Boss

As of March 1, this is my new boss.
She's a tough client, with somewhat unreasonable deadlines.
But I have a feeling the ROI will be worth it.