Winston Dare: The Birth Story [part two]

I left off with asking for the epidural, which felt appropriate because it seems to be a turning point in my labors. I guess my body just needs that relief to relax and progress on its own. After finally requesting it, every minute seemed to crawl by. I prayed during each contraction that it would be the last one before the epidural. 

Side note, is it just me or are anesthesiologists kind-of mean? The one I saw with London was fine but this guy was a jerk; when he finally showed up, he was snapping at the nurse and wasn't particularly friendly to me either. I think I had 4-5 more contractions while waiting on him to get everything set up once he was in the room - let me tell you how hard it is to labor while bent over the side of the bed and not allowed to move. (Hint: really freaking hard!)

Once it was in (just like with London, I didn't find it terrible to have put in!), I was able to relax and calm down - I even did my makeup! At that point, somewhere around 7:30am on Sunday, I was at 5cm so I was hoping things would move along quickly - which they did, just not as quickly as I would've hoped! At some point my water broke and they found meconium, so the nurse (who, while very sweet, was brand new to the hospital which meant extra staff, extra questions, and a few other issues along the way) alerted us he would likely have to go straight to the special care nursery. Not exactly a great thing to hear when so many of my birth wishes revolved around the first few minutes after he was born! Honestly though, I was really calm about the whole thing and didn't let myself freak out about it (thanks epidural!) because it was 100% out of my control ... That doesn't sound like me, does it?! But I really don't think I brought it up at all to Ben, or if I did it was just talking about what that meant. So, a pat on the back for my type A self giving up control. 

Things progressed, slowly and uneventfully. Where, with London, they were saying "you'll have a baby by dinner. No lunch. No breakfast. Just kidding she's here!", with Winston it was more "sometime tonight. This morning. Hopefully today?" but again, I didn't freak out too much. It gave us time to name him and for me to do my makeup (a luxury I didn't have during my labor with London). They worried I may need pitocin, as the fluids that accompanied my epidural really slowed things down, but once those had run though te labor picked back up again and thankfully didn't have to be augmented. 

We updated our parents of my progress at various points. I sipped ginger ale and had a Popsicle at some point, another luxury I was not offered the first time. I may have even snuck a piece of candy that I had packed for Ben. It was all very casual and calm, until they decided it was time for me to push. Yes, THEY decided. Issue number one, right? Before I knew it, they were wheeling in warmers and tables and FOUR nurses (plus Dr. Segal & me and Ben in a suddenly-very- tiny delivery room). The temperature jumped about 20 degrees and Ben nearly passed out from the chaos and heat. 

Another stark difference in my deliveries; with London, it was calm & quiet, one nurse and the doctor, both of whom we loved. I felt totally in control, even though I was in pain and overwhelmed, I had the reigns. This time, I didn't know the names of half the people in the room, there were questions being asked and orders being given, and they were telling me when and how to push. It all felt very medical and scary. I had no feeling whatsoever in one leg, and absolutely no pressure or need to push. As they began to coach me through some "practice pushes", Dr. Segal discovered there was another bag of waters that needed to be broken. Luckily, this one was clear (no meconium) so they said it was likely he would NOT have to go straight to the NICU (praise God!). 

I'm thankful that it wasn't too long or painful but it was extremely disheartening to not feel in control of Winston's delivery.  I really don't remember how long or how many times I pushed, but it was less than 30 minutes. They wheeled out the mirror to help me focus my pushing, so I was able to watch him be born, all purple and gooey and tiny and perfect. So tiny, I kept saying; he's so tiny (he wasn't; 3oz bigger than his sister! but tiny in comparison to the 30lb toddler I was used to lugging around, yes). He didn't have nearly as much hair as we expected but his head was a lovely shape and his tiny lips favored his daddy. Actually, everything did - almost immediately I noticed how he looked just like Ben! 

They immediately put him on my chest and he latched right away while his umbilical cord was still pumping; such an amazing feeling. He nursed while I delivered the placenta - much easier than the first time! - which they preserved to be encapsulated for me. We kept his arrival and his name to ourselves as we chatted with the nurses through his bath, measurements, tests, etc. and got to know our new son. He had no problems finding his voice and had a sweet raspy cry just like London's. 

We made it back to our recovery room just in time for the start of the World Cup championship game, and he was introduced to his immediately-smitten big sister and the rest of our family & friends via social media. He was just perfect, and our family was complete! We are so lucky to have our beautiful girl and our handsome boy, both healthy and happy. 

Winston Dare: The Birth Story [part one]

Oh, second babies. You get shafted in so many ways. I mean, sure, there's the benefit that your parents are more relaxed and you'll probably get away with more stuff in the long run, but the downside of that is hand-me-down onesies with spit-up-stained necks and me popping your pacifier in my mouth after it falls on the floor instead of sterilizing it in a steamer. So, you know, I'm sorry. But I digress, it's a month (boohoo!) tomorrow since this kid was born and I have yet to blog his birth story. Or make a single entry in the baby book. I remember feeling guilty that I wrote about London's birth story too late and I think it was only two weeks. Yeah, second kid syndrome. Anyway, here it goes. May be a multi-part story depending on how long the kids sleep... Praise God for both kids napping at the same time, am I right?

My cervix started to dilate & thin out at my 36 week check-up, which I thought was a great sign considering it never did either of those on its own with London. As it turns out, it meant nothing, because I was somehow LESS dilated & effaced at my 39 week check-up (which was a Friday). I asked the doctor if she could strip my membranes, and was told my cervix was too high for her to reach, so basically "good luck, you're going to be pregnant forever!". She to me to expect some irregular contractions that day but that they meant nothing, so I ignored them for the rest of Friday and most of Saturday. Ben volunteered to take London out to his parents' house so I could run some errands & relax, so I spent Saturday leisurely getting ready and checking items off my to-do list, sans toddler, which was basically a Caribbean vacation at 39w pregnant. 

By Saturday afternoon, I noticed the contractions seemed to be coming a bit closer together. Ben was painting the changing table while London & I made brownies, when I told him casually I was going to start timing them. Eight minutes, ten minutes, sometimes twelve. I thought / hoped this was the very early beginnings of labor! I continued to contract as we went to a friend's house for appetizers and drinks (I even had a hard cider!) but was able to work through them so I knew I had awhile to go. When a friend of ours asked about the baby pool, I (only halfway) jokingly told him to pick tomorrow! We came home & put London to bed, and when the contractions started coming closer together, the on-call OB advised we come in to make sure he was head down. 

The problem with a second baby is that you can't just quietly sneak over to the hospital to see if you're in labor, saving yourself the false alarm embarrassment from family and friends. Someone has to sit with the first baby (who was sound asleep and oblivious to the impending arrival of her baby brother). We had friends come over while we went to Rex (I was tidying up the house before they arrived - should've known it wasn't the "real" thing!) and the doctor & nurse confirmed that there was no change from the day prior - too high to even check dilation, not in labor, you're going to be pregnant forever, etc. So frustrating and embarrassing for a second time mom who had been having regular contractions for eight hours!

We sent our friends home and got into bed, with the discouraging news that these quasi-contractions could last for days or longer! No sooner had I fallen asleep than an intense cramp woke me up. I couldn't lay down, couldn't stand up, couldn't find a comfortable position. It passed, I fell back asleep, then another one. And another. I asked Ben to help me time them because they were so intense - three minutes apart. I was sick to my stomach and had terrible cold chills, and I remember telling Ben, "If this isn't labor, I think I have the flu!". After a few hours of alternating between the bathroom and being doubled over our bed, he suggested I take a shower - I think it took me 45 minutes because I kept having to stop & brace myself on the wall. Each contraction, I prayed to let them be "real" (productive) or let them stop. Around 3:30am we decided to call the doctor back (who reluctantly instructed us to come back in) and Ben's parents (who drove 40 minutes to stay with London). At this point, the contractions had been around three minutes apart for close to four hours. They started to build, one right on top of the other. I could barely move, much less speak, and I thought for sure I was going to walk in and have them tell me I was 6 or 7 cm dilated. 

The drive to the hospital was excruciating (I remember asking Ben to drive carefully but quickly!). The look from the hospital security guard, knowing we had just been sent home a few hours earlier, was almost as painful! But when the head nurse, who was our angel delivery nurse with London, saw me come back in, she took us back to the room without any questions and could tell I was in active labor. This was encouraging, I thought ... Wrong. Three freaking centimeters. After two days of contractions I had progressed a centimeter?! But baby was head down and engaged, so that was something, and they were willing to let me stay even though I wasn't at 4cm yet (which is their normal policy). With that discouraging news, I began to heavily consider an epidural, which I finally got about two hours after getting checked. After hours of that intense pain, I just didn't want to do it anymore. I was hoping for a natural labor this time, but I was also hoping for the super quick second-baby labor the nurses & doctors kept talking about - so since that wasn't happening, I went ahead and asked for the drugs. 

[to be continued]

Letters to Baby: Hurry up and Wait

Dear Baby,

First, let me start by saying, I'm sorry you don't have a name yet. It's not that we don't care - quite the opposite. For some reason we are obsessing over weird details we never even considered when choosing your sister's name. It's hard to name a boy! Something strong & masculine, but not doesn't sounds like a pit bull or super hero. Something that goes with "London Claire" but nothing that rhymes, starts with L, or has geographic origin. What will your nickname be? Should we use a family name? Will people mistake it for something else? Will there be 4 others in your kindergarten class? It's a lot of pressure! But I promise, the names we've narrowed it down to are all pretty awesome and I know, soon, it'll just hit us which one is perfect for you. Maybe after you're already here, but I'm (finally) ok with that. 

Anyway, the point of this was that we are not ready for you to come. 

NOT. 

READY. 

Beyond just not having your name picked out, your nursery is not even close to finished. Your closet is empty, the crib isn't set up, sheets haven't been washed. I don't have your coming home outfit washed. I have no idea if we own any socks for you. All of this stresses me out quite a bit. You see, your mama is what some people would call a bit of a control freak. Type A. Whatever. So to have all these things left undone is unnerving to me, and causes me to hope you stay inside for at least another month. 

But yet, for some strange reason (maybe because I hate being pregnant and I'm relatively sure if you don't come out soon you might actually break my ribs), I'm so ready for you to be here. I'm over analyzing every possible pre-labor symptom. I packed my hospital bags (sort-of) tonight. I RSVP to things in the coming weeks with the preface that we'll attend if you haven't made your arrival yet. So I guess as much as I am not ready for you, I am as ready as I could possibly be to meet you, and hold you in my arms, and stroke those sweet tiny feet that have been threatening to crack my rib cage for so many weeks now. From as much as I can tell, things are pretty cramped in there so I think you're ready to come out, too. 

And since I'm "full term" and you've been measuring plenty big enough, I'll just go ahead and give you permission to come any time you're ready. Which, we all know, by me saying that means you'll be two weeks late. But hey, maybe then you'll have some socks?

Can't wait to see your sweet face, and watch your daddy meet his son for the first time. We love you so much already. 

Xoxo,

Your mommy

36 weeks

How far along?: 36w3d

How big is baby?: the size of a large cantaloupe; approx. 19-22in and 6lbs

Weight gain?: none since last week; 21lbs total

Stretch marks?: none

Sleep?: terrible. I have a lingering cough plus the reflux makes me wake up choking and often vomiting, so the sleep is interrupted and normally quite uncomfortable

Best moment last week?: London's 2nd birthday celebrations. Two is the sweetest age! Don't get me wrong, she's a total diva and the tantrums wear me thin, but she just loved celebrating her birthday. 

Food cravings?: nothing of note, besides beer and Italian subs

Symptoms?: reflux, more aches & pains than I could ever list, and one less than pleasant symptom I will spare you the details of

Exercise?: yoga and chasing London

Movement?: I'm constantly feeling his little heel up by my ribs

Belly button?: no change but definitely visible through clothes 

What I miss?: sleep

Labor signs?: as of today, my cervix is starting to thin & dilate and baby's head is low. Great news, considering I never got that far on my own with London, but not necessarily indicative that he'll be here any time soon. 

What I'm looking forward to?: continuing to work on his nursery. Ben is working hard to get it ready!

34 weeks

How far along?: 34 weeks 4 days

How big is baby?: the size of a pineapple! 19-22 inches and about 4lb 9oz. He has likely reached his birth length and is now packing on the pounds. He obviously had a growth spurt since my last appt because I went from measuring 30w to 34w in only two weeks!

Weight gain?: back up to where I was a month or so ago - overall I think I'm at 19lbs, so on track to hopefully gain only a few lbs more than I did with L

Stretch marks?: nope - even the dr commented on how lucky I was not to have any!

Maternity clothes?: refusing to buy any more but I did get some super comfy non-maternity pants (http://m.target.com/p/mossimo-supply-co-junior-s-soft-pant-assorted-colors/-/A-15128697) from target last week. And I'd like to get some nursing-friendly tops and gowns or pajamas before the hospital. 

Sleep?: ugh. Getting very tough. I'm fighting a cold or allergies, so I'm snoring like a chainsaw (poor Ben even slept on the couch!) and the heartburn (or whatever) is still causing me to wake up choking & vomiting. I tried sleeping propped up but ended up with a horrible headache. And most nights I have to get up 1-3x to pee. But at least I don't have insomnia!

Best moment last week?: we had a nice little adults-only getaway in Virginia Beach last weekend! 

Food cravings?: nothing to note

Symptoms?: aside from the previously mentioned, my pubic symphysis pain has flared up again and the mid-back / rub pain has started. I can tell it's getting crowded in there! Hoping to see a chiropractor to help alleviate some of the issues. 

Exercise?: signed up for 6 more weeks of yoga!

Movement?: frequent and often painful but at least I know he's healthy & active!

Belly button?: out mostly, but didn't stop me from wearing a bikini this weekend

What I miss?: adult beverages 

Labor signs?: he's head down (confirmed by ultrasound yesterday) but that's all for now - and hopefully for awhile!

What I'm looking forward to?: London's second birthday party next weekend!

32 weeks

... Which means 10 weeks (at the very most) to go! Hoping for only 8 weeks but you never know - this little guy seems to want to do things differently than his sister. And London is so much like me, so if he's anything like Ben he'll be ... less than timely. 

How far along?: 32 weeks

How big is baby?: according to WTE, he's the size of a head of lettuce (approximately 3lbs 9oz) and about 19in long, which means he's almost reached his birth length and now it's time to pack on the pounds 

Weight gain?: lost 3lbs since my last appt

Stretch marks?: nope

Maternity clothes?: picked up some used pieces from another mama in exchange for making her daughter some hair bows. Win!! Hopefully I'm done buying maternity clothes forever. 

Sleep?: interrupted, sometimes by waking up choking / vomiting. The joys of heartburn. 

Best moment last week?: some of my nearest and dearest hosted a beautiful "sprinkle" to celebrate me & the boy. It was such a fun afternoon with some of my favorite ladies, and we were so blessed with kindness and love!

Food cravings?: tacos

Symptoms?: heartburn is still kicking my butt. The pubic symphysis stuff seems to be getting somewhat worse, so I can really tell if I've overdone it with too much walking. 

Exercise?: yoga

Movement?: getting crowded in there! The movements are starting to become uncomfortable, especially if I'm sitting down and he's pressing into my ribs. Hiccups are more frequent too

Belly button?: partially popped

What I miss?: I can't bend over to put London in her crib anymore, can barely buckle sandles on myself, and it's very difficult to get comfortable in child's pose

Labor signs?: Baby is not currently breech, hooray!

What I'm looking forward to?: heading to the beach this afternoon ... Assuming I ever get out of this doctor appointment. I've been here over an hour and still haven't been called back / not awesome for an appt that shouldn't take more than 15min total. 

For the mamas who aren't mamas

Maybe that's wrong to say. What I mean is, I firmly believe you can have a mother's heart without having a child, or without having one who is here on this earth. 

Maybe your baby is not here yet, but you've been praying for him every day. Maybe it's been months, years. Wondering if it will ever happen for you. Wondering if your heart will ever truly be at peace, if you'll be able to fulfill the longing to look into your baby's eyes and stroke her hair and know that this. THIS is what you had been waiting, hoping, praying for. What you already knew, in the depths of your being, was meant to be. 

Maybe your mother's heart aches for a child that never was. For a lifetime of wishing, and finally accepting it will never be. Always wondering what kind of mom you would've been, whether he would've had your husband's dimpled chin or your blue eyes. Mourning the loss of someone who you never really knew, and yet knew better than anyone - all at the same time. 

Maybe your child was on this earth, but has gone on to be with our Heavenly Father. Perhaps she was here for an hour, a day, or even years. Perhaps he never lived outside the comfort of your womb. And you wonder why God would bless you with such an incredible gift, only to take it away too soon. Because, when it comes to losing a child, it is always ALWAYS too soon. Your heart may now be filled with precious memories but also with sorrow for a loss that will never, ever fully heal. 

Whatever the case may be, if you are one of these women, I imagine this weekend was incredibly painful for you. I imagine the cards, flowers, brunch reservations and macaroni artwork was all just too much for your broken mama's heart. And for that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you didnt receive a card with finger painted flowers or a beautiful bouquet, and that no one brought you breakfast in bed. I'm sorry that you were inundated with the reminders of your child that isn't. 

My heart hurts for you because I know. 

I have a hard time even putting these words in writing for fear that someone may feel I am trivializing their pain. Believe me when I say, I'm not. Your pain is real and nothing I can say can take it away. But while I'm having pancakes and opening gifts, my heart is aching, too. I lost my first baby on Mother's Day a few years ago and, as too many of you know, it's a hurt you just don't forget. 

We had grand plans of telling our own mothers that they would soon become grandmothers; that their Mother's Day gifts would soon be accompanied by toddler artwork and candid baby photos. But instead, a few days before, I was told it was not to be. That I wouldn't be having this baby. And on Mother's Day, I began to miscarry the child that would've made me a mother. The physical pain was intense, to say the least, but the emotional pain was tenfold. I spent a day that should've been a grand celebration curled in a ball, going in between broken sleep and crying. It was hard. And it got harder before it got easier. 

I am one of the lucky ones, I know. I am beyond blessed to have quickly gotten pregnant and delivered our perfect London Claire. And I am doubly blessed to be carrying, and hopefully soon deliver, a son whom will fill my heart like I never knew possible. But that doesn't take away from my baby that wasn't. And it doesn't take away the hurt of all the women who should be mamas, but aren't. 

So let this serve as an open letter of apology: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever the reason your baby isn't here. And I'm sorry for the hurt you feel in the darkest parts of your soul. I'm sorry. I pray, pray, pray it gets easier for you. But I know that your mama's heart will never stop being a little bit broken. Because mine still is. 

30 weeks

Three quarters of the way there! I had a doctor's appointment Friday morning and things are going great. I had a great Mother's Day and I can't believe I'll be spending next year's with TWO kids. 

How far along?: 30w2d

How big is baby?: according to WTE, baby is 17in, 3.1lb and the size of a butternut squash. It's funny; in the past month, I've been lectured about how much weight I was gaining, talked to about how big baby is, and told I looked / was measuring small... All by my doctors. So I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing unless they tell me otherwise and assume baby will be average size like London was. 

Weight gain?: 17lbs - back to averaging a pound a week which I'm ok with! Hoping to stay below 30lbs total. 

Stretch marks?: nope

Maternity clothes?: nothing new or exciting. Anyone have recommendations for shorts?

Sleep?: back to being interrupted, either by heartburn or having to pee. Averaging 7ish hours of sleep with at least one wake-up. Tough to get comfortable, especially bc of the awful heartburn. 

Best moment last week?: I had such a fun Mother's Day today! Breakfast with Ben's family, church, strawberry picking, shopping, an awesome dinner, and visiting with my sister & Greg. 

Food cravings?: curbed my Indian craving tonight :)

Symptoms?: heartburn, peeing constantly, heartburn, feeling like I've been kicked in the crotch, did I mention heartburn?

Exercise?: yoga is helping quite a bit with the pubic pain, so that's a relief

Gender?: still a boy, still no name

Movement?: much more frequent and starting to get a little uncomfortable. He's had the hiccups a few times, and gave me a panic last week when I woke up in the middle of the night Friday morning. I waited around to feel him move before falling back asleep, after a pretty slow moving day Thursday, and never did - so the doctor did a non-stress test at my appt, during which I vomited, so she then ordered a cervical check (ugh). Good news: his heart rate and movement is consistent with 32-34w so the dr isn't worried, I'm not having any contractions, and my cervix is high & closed. Bad news: having a cervical check. "A lot of pressure" is the understatement of the century. 

Belly button?: uggggly. I'm wondering if I should reconsider my plan to wear a bikini in two weeks at the beach!

What I miss?: sushi, alcohol, cold cuts (I've indulged in both of the latter recently)

Labor signs?: nope

What I'm looking forward to?: our "roommate" is moving out (Ben's childhood friend who's been staying with us for about a month), and while we will miss having him here (especially London!), I'm ready to get started on this nursery. Only 9ish weeks to go!!

Third trimester!

Where has the time gone?! Can't believe I have 12 weeks (give or take) left of being pregnant with this little (err, big - more on that later) man. It's true that second pregnancies just fly by and we have a ton to do in the next few months, but I'm thankful and excited to meet this sweet boy. We had a good doctors appointment after our follow-up ultrasound this morning so all is well in babyland. 

How far along?: 28 weeks

How big is baby?: 2 lbs 9 oz according to the ultrasound. He's in the 73% which means they had to have a little chat with me because he's measuring big, but there's so much room for error and time for all that to change, so I'm just glad he's healthy. In the grand scheme of things, it's awesome to know that he'd be 2 1/2 lbs if he was born now!

Weight gain?: I *think* I saw the number on the screen, and I think it was 16lbs or so, so I'm feeling good about it. I'm just going to pretend that's what it is regardless. 

Stretch marks?: nope

Maternity clothes?: I bought some hand-me-downs and a new maxi dress so I'm feeling like my wardrobe is refreshed!

Sleep?: not great, between allergies and frequent urination and heartburn

Best moment last week?: today, finding out the placenta previa has completely resolved itself

Food cravings?: nothing to note

Symptoms?: I have pubic symphysis diastasis which basically means it feels like someone kicked me in the vagina. Apparently it will only get worse and the only resolution is to have the baby. Yay!

Exercise?: prenatal yoga is going well and I'm excited to be cleared for all stretches & positions (bring on the squats!)

Gender?: still very much a boy, she confirmed today!

Movement?: often, but still not painful or annoying. So far he's breech but they don't worry too much until 34w so I have plenty of time for him to swim around. 

Belly button?: sort-of in ... Barely

What I miss?: beer

Labor signs?: lots of Braxton hicks but that's it

What I'm looking forward to?: *hopefully* date night tonight to celebrate all our good news

Eating for two

I'll admit it: although I am not, nor have I ever really been, 100% happy with my body - I honestly don't give it too much thought. I've never had to work out, eat what I want, and can always find clothes that fit (even if I'm not totally thrilled with what size). My height works to my advantage, so 5lbs here or there doesn't even register. I don't get on the scale at home, so pregnancy is the only time I am acutely aware of changes (read: increases) in my weight. And it. is. hard. 

I know I'm growing a human. I know the old adage "eating for two". I know the baby weight fell off after London was born, due largely to breastfeeding. But I can't help but freak out a little as the numbers on the scale continue to creep up. Maybe creep is not the right word ... JUMP might be more appropriate for the rate which they are climbing. 

They say no two pregnancies are the same, but as a second time mom, I expected to know what I was getting into. And gaining almost as much as I did during the whole 40 weeks with London, with 13 weeks to go, is not what I expected. Especially after starting out 10+ pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant with L. Especially after an emergency room visit, a hyperemesis diagnosis, and a very concerned conversation with my obstetrician about my weight loss at my 16 week appointment. Not what I expected at all. But then again, I didn't expect the placenta previa thing either. This little boy is keeping me on my toes, that's for sure. 

I've learned, and it has become more apparent during this pregnancy, that I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm upset, bored, sad, angry, not feeling well. Pretty much all the time. And while I'm not always making unhealthy choices (I've been drinking tons of water and eating lots of fruits and veggies this pregnancy, plus fixing plenty of healthy meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner - a luxury I didn't have with the last pregnancy), sweets are my weakness. So, if nothing else, I'm making a concession to this kid (and my doctor) and saying goodbye to my nightly bowl of ice cream. Not to say I won't still have some now & again, but three scoops a night is helping no one. 

Farewell dear friend, we had a good run. 

That, and I'm really hoping the placenta previa will be cleared at next week's ultrasound so I can at least walk or something for exercise. I mean, I've never exercised regularly before, but I'm sure I can figure it out, right?

25 weeks

How far along?: 25 weeks

How big is baby?: the size of an eggplant: 1.7lbs and 9in long

Weight gain?: I don't really feel like we need to discuss that. Ha, let's just say it's coming on fast!

Stretch marks?: none, thankfully

Maternity clothes?: went an bought a few things at Walmart of all places (not maternity) to help stretch my current wardrobe a little longer. The biggest problem is finding shirts long enough!

Sleep?: wake up around 6:45 or 7 bc of the sun coming in. Maybe someday my husband will put up our curtains!

Best moment last week?: sweet friends of ours surprised us with a membership to the local kids museum. Such a generous and thoughtful gift, and one we will certainly put to good use!

Food cravings?: egg salad (finally made some!) and chicken salad

Symptoms?: a little bit of spotting (normal, according to the ob) and I've recently been having these horrible sharp shooting pains down low! Hoping they don't stick around for too long. And the heartburn. Good Lord, the heartburn. I'm taking Pepcid in the morning and sometimes again at night, plus tums. Good news, ice cream helps! I do think my skin is a lot better this time than it was London - maybe the old wives tale is true and girls do steal your beauty!

Exercise?: starting my yoga class Monday! London and I have been to the park a few times and went swimming earlier this week, which she loved.

Movement?: he moves the most when I'm relaxing, so mornings and nights are fun. Nothing too painful or waking me up yet. I do think I felt hiccups for the first time. 

Belly button?: getting shallower by the day! Won't be long before I have an alien belly. 

What I miss?: sleeping on my right side 

What I'm looking forward to?: my best friend / London's godmother is coming to visit this wknd! Looking forward to some girl time with her. 

This is actually 24w but close enough. 

22 weeks

I was waiting until my drs appt today to see if there were any fun updates. Nope! And I chickened out on asking about my weight gain, so no news there either. 

How far along?: 22w 3d

How big is baby?: the size of a spaghetti squash! Baby is about 8 in long and weights about a pound. 

Weight gain?: ???

Stretch marks?: no

Maternity clothes?: I am actually wearing post-partum jeans today and they're too big. If the pants are still too big at 22w pregnant, that's probably a sign to get rid of them, right?

Sleep?: still waking early, especially with poor London coughing in the early hours of the morning, but sleeping ok

Best moment last week?: we took London to the St. Patricks day parade on Saturday and she LOVED it!

Food cravings?: yesterday it was a burger (mmm MoJoe's!) and I've been enjoying a pepperidge farms coconut cake!

Symptoms?: still getting these sharp, sudden pains which the ob said are uterus growing pains and totally normal, so at least that's good news. She said the pains get worse with subsequent pregnancies; let's hope I don't have to worry about that

Exercise?: signed up for prenatal yoga starting next month!! Although I'm bummed the teacher I love isn't there anymore. 

Movement?: very active but not painful yet. Most active when I'm sitting on the couch to rest, especially at night. 

Belly button?: still in

What I miss?: I'm worried about the placenta issue enough that I feel like I can't walk long distances, which is hard now that the weather is nice. Praying & believing we'll get good news in 6w and I can take London to the zoo!

What I'm looking forward to?: continuing to work on clearing out the nursery so we can eventually paint. We finally decided on colors! Red, navy & aqua with gray undertones and dark furniture. Now if only we could pick a name...

21 Weeks

20 weeks always feels like a great milestone, but 21 weeks might be even better. Why? Because, assuming all is well with me and Little Brother, my ob won't force induction until 42 weeks, so I'm officially at least halfway through the pregnancy, even in "worst case scenario". Because I am trying my darnedest to avoid pitocin this time!! So anyway, I'm 21 weeks, my belly is huge, and the man child still has no name. But all in all, life is good because hey! it's 60 degrees out and I have beef & broccoli marinating for dinner tonight and a new maxi skirt calling my name. Simple pleasures, y'all. 

How far along?: 21 weeks 2 days

How big is baby?: approx 7in long and 11oz

Weight gain?: my scale is broken. Oh darn!

Stretch marks?: no

Maternity clothes?: yes, but still not all the time. Rocking some shirt dresses recently with an empire belt. 

Sleep?: not bad. Still waking up earlier than I'd like to but I'd better get used to that. Hoping this daylight savings thing takes care of London's recent early rising. 

Best moment last week?: it was a pretty good week overall! I hit up a consignment sale and got some basics for the boy. Ben's been sick (boo) but it means he's been home more, which London & I love. I would say my best moment for the last week was getting a HUGE box of clothes for London passed down from a friend. What an incredible blessing! Oh, and singing "great is thy faithfulness" at church this morning. 

Food cravings?: ice cream; every night. Red meat. Shrimp tacos. 

Symptoms?: my boobs are so sore and itchy, it's awful. My nipples are bigger than should be physically possible and OH! do they hurt. The heartburn is really kicking up, and the tums have to be swapped out for Pepcid soon. But compared to where I was a few weeks ago, I'm grateful! 

Gender?: little brother

Movement?: daily but still faint and still very low. Ben gets to feel him from time to time. 

Belly button?: no change here

What I miss?: I'm being super indulgent with food this time around so I don't miss much besides sex (sorry if that offends but 10 weeks is too long!!). I had a delightful non-alcoholic beer last weekend to curb the beer craving and even had half a glass of wine last night with dinner. I'm pretty sure I was tipsy after 2 sips (kidding of course ). 

What I'm looking forward to?: warm weather hopefully sticking around!!

Half Baked

Little brother is officially half baked (assuming he doesn't go past his due date) and that's reason to celebrate! I'm actually feeling pretty decent this week, which is also something to celebrate. So how does a woman who's five months pregnant celebrate? With ice cream, of course!

How far along?: 20 weeks

How big is baby?: the size of a banana

Weight gain?: not sure

Stretch marks?: no

Maternity clothes?: I desperately need new pants. This isn't like with London where I could just make my pre-pregnancy jeans work when I needed them to (even at 9mo pregnant!). This kid is lower and the pants are too uncomfortable to wear for very long. 

Sleep?: not terrible. We've recently gotten into House of Cards, so I've been staying up until 11 (woah!) and sleeping until a little after 6am. 

Best moment last week?: We got a crib! Ordered online for an incredible price and we should be able to pick it up this week. Everything else we need is small so I feel really good about getting this out of the way!

Food cravings?: ice cream. And all the other normal stuff I've been craving. Cherry coke. More ice cream. 

Symptoms?: I had some spotting earlier this week, and with the diagnosis of placenta previa, that can be pretty scary. So I'm on "very light activity" and hoping it was just a fluke. 

Exercise?: I took London to open gym at a gymnastics place last week and that was pretty fun

Gender?: boy! Still no name

Movement?: yep! Feeling him daily, inside and out. 

Belly button?: still in

What I miss?: not having to constantly second guess if I'm "doing too much"

What I'm looking forward to?: co-hosting a sprinkle for my sweet friend Jenn & baby Reed tomorrow!

I made Little Brother his first homemade onesie (and one for Reed too!). Loving the boy clothes already!

19 weeks

How far along?: 19 weeks today

How big is baby?: as of Monday, 8 ounces. According to WTE, baby is about the size of a mango, weighing close to 10oz and 6.5 inches tall

Weight gain?: 3lbs. Finally in the black, womp womp. But that means vomiting has FINALLY subsided

Stretch marks?: no

Maternity clothes?: still back & forth. Squished into some normal jeans yesterday with a ponytail holder on the button hole

Sleep?: hit or miss. May break down and take a Tylenol PM soon bc last night I was tossing and turning all night (stressing about our name list!)

Best moment last week?: finding out we are having a healthy baby BOY!!

Food cravings?: everything? Starbucks especially

Symptoms?: the round ligament pain / cramping has gotten pretty bad recently. The ultrasound tech commented on how low baby is (big contrast from London) so I think that's contributing

Exercise?: the weather has recently been gorgeous, so London and I have been to the park almost every day to run around & play

Gender?: BOY!! I can hardly believe it. We are overjoyed!

Movement?: still infrequent and faint but I normally feel him at least once a day

Belly button?: the top part is starting to fold out already and I feel like it's very obvious when I wear tight shirts 

What I miss?: still missing sushi and sub sandwiches pretty often. I had a few sips of our favorite sparkling wine on valentines day and promptly passed out. Apparently Saturday is national margarita day :( not fair

Labor signs?: not really labor signs, but I learned this week that I have placenta previa. They fully expect it to correct itself, but in the mean time I'm under some restrictions until they do another ultrasound at 28w

What I'm looking forward to?: deciding a name for this little man. Much harder than with London!

18 weeks, but you get the idea

18 weeks

I'm getting a jump start on this week's post by 3 hours because I skipped last week I think. And tomorrow is valentines day. And there is a mess of snow & ice on the ground so we can't leave the house which means I'm going to have a wild toddler on my hands tomorrow. 

Have I mentioned I really don't like snow? It's beautiful but after the first few minutes, I'm over it. But don't worry, because this is our second "major" snow storm in the past two weeks, yay!! [sarcasm brackets]

So whatever, back to happy stuff. Maybe I'll add a photo soon but for now, here's my 18w update for Baby E2. It's so crazy to think that we already knew London was a girl and had named her at this point in the pregnancy. Hopefully both of those things will happen on Monday!!

How far along?: 18w

How big is baby?: 

Weight gain?: up a pound from last week I think, so yay?

Stretch marks?: nope!

Maternity clothes?: I bought new maternity (skinny!) jeans last week because mine from London are too big. Size small - so what do the people who are ACTUALLY size small wear? It must be so hard to find maternity clothes if you're petite 

Sleep?: I've been fighting a cold for what feels like weeks, so sleep is elusive but I've been going to bed at a decent hour to try to make up for it. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I have to be up all night with a newborn in 6 months ... Cue the anxiety attack NOW!

Best moment last week?: Ben flew home early from his business trip because of the weather. I was really worried he was going to get stuck there!

Food cravings?: Ice cream. Spaghetti and meatballs. 

Symptoms?: vomiting is finally (!!!!) diminishing. I'm still desperately dehydrated judging by the way I chug glasses of watered down lemonade. 

Gender?: we find out Monday - omg!! Last chance to place your bets, is Baby E a HE or a SHE?

Movement?: yes! I was getting worried but now I'm feeling some faint movement, both internally and externally, especially in the evenings. 

Belly button?: shallow but in 

What I miss?: I'd like a beer

Labor signs?: nope

What I'm looking forward to?: spending the day with Ben on Monday and naming our baby!!

16 weeks

How far along?: 16 weeks

How big is baby?: the size of a turnip: 5 inches and 5 ounces. I can feel where the baby is hanging out sometimes, so hopefully kicks soon!

Weight gain?: I might dig out our scale today but I'd be surprised if I've gained any. Still throwing up regularly, yuck. 

Stretch marks?: no, just very itchy boobs

Maternity clothes?: tops and dresses here and there

Sleep?: better, minus this horrible cough. But I'm not waking up at 3am to pee anymore. Normally falling asleep on the couch for a few hours, then sleeping in bed from 1-6 or so

Best moment last week?: we got to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday up in va; the trip was horrendous and none of us slept more than 5 hrs but he was really happy!

Food cravings?: brownies, fries, milk, spaghetti, ice cream ... You know, healthy stuff ;)

Symptoms?: the throwing up isn't really subsiding, which sucks, and my headache is still almost always around. I'm really really over it, this feeling like crap part. 

Exercise?: I might remove this question :)

Gender?: hoping we get to schedule our anatomy ultrasound at our regular appointment next week

Movement?: nothing definitive yet

Belly button?: no noticeable change since last time 

What I miss?: energy

Labor signs?: no

What I'm looking forward to?: feeling more like myself? If that ever happens. Checking up on baby on Monday. A possible date night tonight!

This was actually 15 weeks; I can't be on top of blogging AND taking photos on time!

Motherhood Confessions: I Love Breastfeeding

When I was pregnant, breastfeeding for me (like many women) was not even a question. I don't entirely know why, but it was one of the few aspects of baby-related care that I didn't even think twice about. Sure, I was worried that - for whatever reason - I wouldn't be able to do it, but I used the phrase "I'm planning to breastfeed" as a placeholder for "That kid will be on the boob the second she's born".

minutes after london claire was born.
literally, minutes.
amazing doesn't even begin to describe it.

My heart breaks for those that want so badly to breastfeed and can't, for a variety of reasons. I now know, thanks to the breastfeeding group I'm a part of, that there are many many factors that can prevent / inhibit the ability to breastfeed and my heart really goes out to you mamas who experience any / all of those. I truly admire your strength and tenacity to keep going, or to know when the right time is to seek other options.

We are so blessed that breastfeeding came relatively easy for both of us. There were days (still are!) that it hurt like hell. I've had to combat supply issues London's appetite with some herbal supplements and depleting my precious freezer stash. Getting a pumping schedule down when I returned to work wasn't exactly a walk in the park. But really, when I see what other women have gone through, we've gotten off easy.

Of course, I didn't know that would be the case going into it. Nor did I know half the battles that breastfeeding mothers face. So why was I so adamant about breastfeeding? After six eight* months and zero ounces of formula, I'll tell you why I think I made the right decision for my family, and why I'd happily make it again if we have another child.

*sidebar: how sad is it that I started this post TWO MONTHS AGO?!

So Why Do I Breastfeed?

• Intimacy It is instant, and consistent, bonding with your baby. They put London on my chest immediately after she was born. IMMEDIATELY. Cord still attached, covered in ... stuff ... naked as a little jaybird (the cutest little naked jaybird you ever did see, of course). They delivered her from my body, laid her on my chest and she was silent and calm. When I placed her near my breast she immediately knew what to do. And from that moment on, it has been a solace for both of us. It's a time that no one else gets to share, and it's so intimate that I feel the urge to just stroke her soft skin or kiss her hands & face constantly. 
• Comfort Those first few weeks when I was exhausted and hormonal and had not a clue what I was doing, I could always count on the early morning nursing sessions to cheer me up (read: allow me the emotional release I needed to sob great big alligator tears onto my sweet baby's head). Holding that sweet tiny baby, watching her drift off to sleep "milk drunk" with a half smile, and knowing that you are sustaining that sweet life all by yourself - there is nothing like that feeling. I would just sit in the recliner and weep over how wonderful it was. Now that she's older, that intimacy continues, as she looks up at me and strokes my face or hair, like she's just making sure I'm still there. Heart. Melting. It's extremely calming for London as well. If she's hurt or sick (ie: just got a vaccination), or way over-tired, sometimes nursing is the only thing that calms her down.

milk drunk, sleepy smiles

• Weight Loss It is a great way to burn calories. Supposedly you burn an extra 500 calories a day while breastfeeding. Well, London takes 28oz of milk at daycare plus 3-4 nursing sessions, so by my logic, I'm burning like an extra 1,000 calories. At least I eat like I am. I eat more than I ever have in my life, and I'm 12 pounds lighter than before I got pregnant. Did I mention I have not worked out one bit since the baby was born? I was more active at 9+ months pregnant than I am now. And yet all my pants are too big! Of course the downside of this is that when I stop breastfeeding, it's all going to pile back on. Which is why I'm just planning to nurse her through college.
• Cost It's free! A girlfriend of mine had to stop breastfeeding around 6 weeks and she said she spends about $50 a week in formula. That means, to date, I've saved my family nearly $2,000 by breastfeeding. My breast pump was a gift from my very generous mother, so if you tally up the costs of freezer bags, breast pads, and other nursing accoutrements, it's probably less than $100 total. That is insane.
  
  Unrelated to breastfeeding, but we didn't have to buy diapers until London was six months old, thanks to the generosity of friends and family. Needless to say, this having-a-kid thing has been pretty inexpensive so far. You know, minus that whole daycare-payment-that's-the-size-of-a-mortgage thing.
  
• Convenience I always have London's food with me. It's always ready to go. No heating water, pre-distributing formula powder into tiny little tupperware and finding space for them in our already-too-full diaper bag. No worrying about throwing out a bottle if she doesn't drink it that day. I don't even know all the ins and outs to formula, but I am certain I would've forgotten to bring it somewhere about 4,506 times by now. Need proof? The other day, I forgot to bring bottles to daycare. You know, my child's sustenance that I work so hard each day to provide? Yeah. Left it in the fridge. Good work, mom. It's also way more convenient to travel while breastfeeding ... minus the part where they make you taste your breastmilk to prove it's not explosive. Yeahhhh that happened.
• Health Benefits I'm not a doctor, but I've had plenty of them tell me how good breastfeeding is for my baby. When she had her first ear infection and was so miserably sick, the pediatrician told me, as he was writing a prescription for an antibiotic and I was nursing my girl, "You're already doing the best thing you can for her". What an awesome reassurance! When she was pretty new, this article was shared with me and I've clung to some of the statistics like a life preserver when things got rough. My favorites? "By breastfeeding for at least three months, you have given your baby a 40% reduction in the risk of asthma if you have a family history of asthma" (which I do - both my brother and sister have it) and "By giving nothing but your breastmilk for the first four months, you have given your baby a strong protection against ear infections and respiratory tract diseases for a whole year". There are a ton of additional health benefits, a lot of which are cited in that article.

chubby baby arms from a healthy happy baby

• I'm Selfish Breastfeeding gives me and the baby an excuse to get away. When we're at a family gathering and things are just a little too loud and chaotic, we get to dart away to a quiet room and have time to decompress. If I want to steal her back from a well-meaning family member who's been holding her too long for my liking, I tell them she has to eat and no one (especially men) asks any questions. Even at work, I get to spend 30 minutes 3 times a day thinking about my baby. Especially when the baby is tiny, people want to hold him / her constantly and it can be a nice break for the new mother for awhile. But then, it's like "Hey, that's my kid, give it back" and breastfeeding totally gives you the right to do that. 

I hope this can be an inspiration to future mothers - I'm happy to talk about the benefits of breastfeeding and the challenges and joys you might face. I also have a great group of women in the Triangle who meet as a breastfeeding support group, if anyone is interested.

the sweetest moments are when she falls asleep in my arms
skin to skin
each time it happens, I worry it could be the last
so I hold her for just a few minutes longer than I should.

I'm sure there are thousands of other reasons that I, or billions of other women, breastfeed. What are some of your favorite reasons?

And for moms who choose formula, I'd love to know your reasons for making that decision! I know it's not always a choice, but I also know that some women are just as adamant about NOT breastfeeding as I was about doing it - so if you're one of those women, please chime in and educate me!

Mixed Emotions

There's a certain level of comfort in knowing that we will not have any more children for the next five years unless we want to. I won't get into the ins and outs (pun intended) of our sex life, but it does make things much more pleasant to know that there is a pretty much fool proof plan in place preventing any accidents.

Don't get me wrong, we want more kids. Just not right now. When I heard Jessica Simpson ispregnant again (already?!) I think my uterus tried to jump out of my body and into oncoming traffic. I am not ready to be pregnant again. Will I ever be ready to willingly take on those wretched nine months again? Probably. Sleep deprivation erases your memory, Men in Black style.

London is perfect. She is such a wonderful baby, sleeping well and happy to be on the go constantly. Each day she learns new "tricks". Each morning it seems like she's grown up overnight. I don't want to miss a moment of her childhood, I want to BE PRESENT for her every day. So no, we're not ready for two kids. Not for awhile, and I'm happy that medical science has advances that allow us to make the decision not to have more children right now.

But there's also a certain level of sadness that comes with it, for me at least. I had forgotten that part of it, that for all the good things about it, it does feel a bit ... final. And formal. There are no surprises. There is no "lets just see what happens". As much as I know I made the right decision, there is a level of sadness (read: hormones) that I think I underestimated.

But in another nine months, when I'm still sleeping regularly and not vomiting daily, I imagine I'll have forgotten all about that tiny bit of sadness. That "Irish twins" bullshit is for the birds.

Besides, London Claire seems pret-ty happy to be an only child for awhile longer.

Gosh I love that kid.

"How's she sleeping?" Part One

As far as major life events go, the knee-jerk reactions are as follows:

• Engagement: Have you set a date?
• Wedding: When are you going to have kids?
• Pregnancy: How are you feeling?
• New Baby: How's she sleeping?

Why is this the question that everyone asks a new parent? The answer can really only go one of two ways. Either the new parent says "s/he is sleeping great, we are so lucky!" and then everyone wants to punch them in the face for all the sleepless nights they had with their own child, or the new parent says "s/he is not sleeping and we are zombies and OMG why do people have babies?!" ... or something along those lines.

Because, really, what new parent ever feels they are sleeping enough? I don't know adults without kids who are sleeping enough. But I tell you this, adults friends without kids, if you think you're tired now ...

JUST WAIT.

Just wait until it's been three months and you haven't slept in longer than 3 hour increments in the better part of a year*. Then you'll know tired. When all you want for Christmas is a way to transfer coffee directly into your blood stream, then you know tired

*that's another subject altogether, but to all the jerks that say "sleep now, while you can!" to a pregnant women, you've obviously never known the joys of heartburn, peeing every 30 minutes, anxiety, nightmares, insomnia, chronic congestion, why is this pillow so hard, is he seriously snoring that loud, did we send Aunt Sally a thank you note and an 8 pound bowling ball with legs that's trying to break out through your lungs. and oh yeah now you have to pee again. go ahead, ask me if I miss being pregnant, I dare you.

The thing is, London was an amazing sleeper when she was tiny. She slept three hours straight the first night she was born, and at least that long every night thereafter. She was sleeping 5 hour stretches regularly at 5 weeks. She never missed a beat despite a transatlantic flight. Ben & I thought we were doing everything right - she was sleeping in her own crib from the night we brought her home! - and we actually talked about how easy this "parenting" thing was. Famous last words.

Then she hit 8 weeks and it all went to shit. No schedule. There were a few nights she was up every hour and a half, two if we were lucky. I remember one particularly trying moment when I was holding her in the recliner and Ben was laying on the floor of the nursery. It was about two in the morning, he was muttering something along the lines of, "What do we do?," while I googled, "How young is too young to cry it out?".

Those were desperate times. 

And of course, they coincided with the time that I was starting back to work, so I had approximately 300 people each day asking me if I was getting any sleep. Did the fact that I am double-fisting diet coke and iced coffee not clue you in to the fact that NO, I am not getting any sleep?!

Sometimes, as new parents, we smile and nod and say everything's great to avoid the unsolicited advice. But then, your resolve wears so thin that you start whining to anyone who will listen about how many times she was up last night (Five. Or was it six?) and next thing you know, you're in the pediatrician's office pleading with her to just let you get some sleep!

To be fair, by the time London hit 4 months, she was waking up twice most nights. To bed at 8pm, up at 1, up at 4, up for the day at 7am. This was pretty standard. And to many new parents, waking up only twice a night probably sounds like a dream. But when you're never getting more than 3 hours of sleep at a time, you're ready to fix it. Of course, the pediatrician told us what we already knew was the answer - those three dreaded words.

Cry. It. Out.

Ugh, makes me sick to my stomach just seeing them. Cry it out, or CIO as the cool kids say, is a super controversial topic (almost as much so as breastfeeding - another topic for another day). But we committed to it because we knew that teaching London to self soothe was the only way we'd ever get her sleeping through the night. I'd be lying if I said there weren't a few nights where Ben all-but had to restrain me in bed.

... to be continued