Ten (more) things you may not know about me

Maybe I'll make this a monthly feature on the blog - is it fun? Interesting? Self-indulgent? Whatever, it's connected me to people who I may not have ever known I had things in common with. Bonding over a shared hatred of sweet potatoes? That's serious stuff, people.

1. I've done a "secret Santa" gift exchange with the same girls for 10+ years. It's morphed into " secret seashell" because we now do it at be beach. We also have an email list serve that was started when we left for college. I couldn't begin to guess how many messages have been sent but I'd guess its in the tens of thousands.
2. My number one choice for pasta sauce is Alfredo. It's one of the only things Ben will not eat. I don't understand how anyone could hate something that's pretty much just cheese and heavy cream?!
3. I have (almost) matching scars on my elbows from surgeries that were four years apart. Ulnar nerve transpositions. I have no funny bone.
4. When I die, I want to be cremated, after medical science has taken anything they have any use for. I'm not yet sure where I want my ashes scattered.
5. My first plane ride was to Disney world with my whole family. Best fifth birthday ever!
6. I started walking at nine months. So, when London turned ten months without even a step, I felt a little bit guilty, like I had let her down as her mother. Don't worry, I realize that is 100% ridiculous and I'm just happy she's taken her first steps before she's two.
7. I had a fake ID in college that Ben referred to as a baseball card because it was SO fake. But I never got caught, even when I bought beer standing in line in front of a cop.
8. My favorite song will always and forever be "imagine" by John Lennon. My least favorite song is "amazing grace". "Celebrate" and "I like big butts" are also up there... Err, down there. As in,  hate them too.
9. I can cook but I cannot bake. I can probably count the number of things I've baked completely from scratch on two hands. I think it's the same reason I was good at biology but horrible at chemistry. I'm not good at exact sciences.
10. I have horrible bunions on both my feet. I know I need surgery, but I'm not, nor have I ever been, in a position to be off my feet for 4-6 weeks. I mean, who has time for that?!

Motherhood Confessions: I Love Breastfeeding

When I was pregnant, breastfeeding for me (like many women) was not even a question. I don't entirely know why, but it was one of the few aspects of baby-related care that I didn't even think twice about. Sure, I was worried that - for whatever reason - I wouldn't be able to do it, but I used the phrase "I'm planning to breastfeed" as a placeholder for "That kid will be on the boob the second she's born".

minutes after london claire was born.
literally, minutes.
amazing doesn't even begin to describe it.

My heart breaks for those that want so badly to breastfeed and can't, for a variety of reasons. I now know, thanks to the breastfeeding group I'm a part of, that there are many many factors that can prevent / inhibit the ability to breastfeed and my heart really goes out to you mamas who experience any / all of those. I truly admire your strength and tenacity to keep going, or to know when the right time is to seek other options.

We are so blessed that breastfeeding came relatively easy for both of us. There were days (still are!) that it hurt like hell. I've had to combat supply issues London's appetite with some herbal supplements and depleting my precious freezer stash. Getting a pumping schedule down when I returned to work wasn't exactly a walk in the park. But really, when I see what other women have gone through, we've gotten off easy.

Of course, I didn't know that would be the case going into it. Nor did I know half the battles that breastfeeding mothers face. So why was I so adamant about breastfeeding? After six eight* months and zero ounces of formula, I'll tell you why I think I made the right decision for my family, and why I'd happily make it again if we have another child.

*sidebar: how sad is it that I started this post TWO MONTHS AGO?!

So Why Do I Breastfeed?

• Intimacy It is instant, and consistent, bonding with your baby. They put London on my chest immediately after she was born. IMMEDIATELY. Cord still attached, covered in ... stuff ... naked as a little jaybird (the cutest little naked jaybird you ever did see, of course). They delivered her from my body, laid her on my chest and she was silent and calm. When I placed her near my breast she immediately knew what to do. And from that moment on, it has been a solace for both of us. It's a time that no one else gets to share, and it's so intimate that I feel the urge to just stroke her soft skin or kiss her hands & face constantly. 
• Comfort Those first few weeks when I was exhausted and hormonal and had not a clue what I was doing, I could always count on the early morning nursing sessions to cheer me up (read: allow me the emotional release I needed to sob great big alligator tears onto my sweet baby's head). Holding that sweet tiny baby, watching her drift off to sleep "milk drunk" with a half smile, and knowing that you are sustaining that sweet life all by yourself - there is nothing like that feeling. I would just sit in the recliner and weep over how wonderful it was. Now that she's older, that intimacy continues, as she looks up at me and strokes my face or hair, like she's just making sure I'm still there. Heart. Melting. It's extremely calming for London as well. If she's hurt or sick (ie: just got a vaccination), or way over-tired, sometimes nursing is the only thing that calms her down.

milk drunk, sleepy smiles

• Weight Loss It is a great way to burn calories. Supposedly you burn an extra 500 calories a day while breastfeeding. Well, London takes 28oz of milk at daycare plus 3-4 nursing sessions, so by my logic, I'm burning like an extra 1,000 calories. At least I eat like I am. I eat more than I ever have in my life, and I'm 12 pounds lighter than before I got pregnant. Did I mention I have not worked out one bit since the baby was born? I was more active at 9+ months pregnant than I am now. And yet all my pants are too big! Of course the downside of this is that when I stop breastfeeding, it's all going to pile back on. Which is why I'm just planning to nurse her through college.
• Cost It's free! A girlfriend of mine had to stop breastfeeding around 6 weeks and she said she spends about $50 a week in formula. That means, to date, I've saved my family nearly $2,000 by breastfeeding. My breast pump was a gift from my very generous mother, so if you tally up the costs of freezer bags, breast pads, and other nursing accoutrements, it's probably less than $100 total. That is insane.
  
  Unrelated to breastfeeding, but we didn't have to buy diapers until London was six months old, thanks to the generosity of friends and family. Needless to say, this having-a-kid thing has been pretty inexpensive so far. You know, minus that whole daycare-payment-that's-the-size-of-a-mortgage thing.
  
• Convenience I always have London's food with me. It's always ready to go. No heating water, pre-distributing formula powder into tiny little tupperware and finding space for them in our already-too-full diaper bag. No worrying about throwing out a bottle if she doesn't drink it that day. I don't even know all the ins and outs to formula, but I am certain I would've forgotten to bring it somewhere about 4,506 times by now. Need proof? The other day, I forgot to bring bottles to daycare. You know, my child's sustenance that I work so hard each day to provide? Yeah. Left it in the fridge. Good work, mom. It's also way more convenient to travel while breastfeeding ... minus the part where they make you taste your breastmilk to prove it's not explosive. Yeahhhh that happened.
• Health Benefits I'm not a doctor, but I've had plenty of them tell me how good breastfeeding is for my baby. When she had her first ear infection and was so miserably sick, the pediatrician told me, as he was writing a prescription for an antibiotic and I was nursing my girl, "You're already doing the best thing you can for her". What an awesome reassurance! When she was pretty new, this article was shared with me and I've clung to some of the statistics like a life preserver when things got rough. My favorites? "By breastfeeding for at least three months, you have given your baby a 40% reduction in the risk of asthma if you have a family history of asthma" (which I do - both my brother and sister have it) and "By giving nothing but your breastmilk for the first four months, you have given your baby a strong protection against ear infections and respiratory tract diseases for a whole year". There are a ton of additional health benefits, a lot of which are cited in that article.

chubby baby arms from a healthy happy baby

• I'm Selfish Breastfeeding gives me and the baby an excuse to get away. When we're at a family gathering and things are just a little too loud and chaotic, we get to dart away to a quiet room and have time to decompress. If I want to steal her back from a well-meaning family member who's been holding her too long for my liking, I tell them she has to eat and no one (especially men) asks any questions. Even at work, I get to spend 30 minutes 3 times a day thinking about my baby. Especially when the baby is tiny, people want to hold him / her constantly and it can be a nice break for the new mother for awhile. But then, it's like "Hey, that's my kid, give it back" and breastfeeding totally gives you the right to do that. 

I hope this can be an inspiration to future mothers - I'm happy to talk about the benefits of breastfeeding and the challenges and joys you might face. I also have a great group of women in the Triangle who meet as a breastfeeding support group, if anyone is interested.

the sweetest moments are when she falls asleep in my arms
skin to skin
each time it happens, I worry it could be the last
so I hold her for just a few minutes longer than I should.

I'm sure there are thousands of other reasons that I, or billions of other women, breastfeed. What are some of your favorite reasons?

And for moms who choose formula, I'd love to know your reasons for making that decision! I know it's not always a choice, but I also know that some women are just as adamant about NOT breastfeeding as I was about doing it - so if you're one of those women, please chime in and educate me!

Motherhood Confessions: Sometimes Marriage is Scary

Maybe it'd be better to say "Sometimes LOVE is Scary". I think you can have a real, earth-shattering, life-changing love without being married. But, and I'm sorry if this offends anyone, things change when you get married. Shit gets real.

Let me start by saying I have never EVER, even for one minute, had even one ounce of worry that my husband would ever EVER cheat on me. Ever. Can I say it one more time? 

EVER. 

He is the most loyal human being on the planet. He worships me like a queen, physically and, lately, emotionally as well. When we first were introduced by my cousin, he told me, "Ben is a walking Valentine's Day card". All that aside, when I hear about friends or acquaintances or even bloggers I follow who are dealing with infidelity, it makes me sick to my stomach. It's like a punch in the gut - not because it makes me worry for my own marriage, but because I cannot even fathom what they must be going through. And then, it's like a slap in the face, because I realize I should be thanking God, and my husband, every. freaking. day. for the peace of knowing that will never be us.

But I don't spend every day grateful for this peace. I take advantage of it, just like I've taken advantage of my marriage. I think, deep down, everyone can say that at some point, they became complacent in their marriage. It's easier than we'd like to admit. Life gets in the way, jobs, social lives, friends, family, kids [especially kids!]. We take advantage of the fact that our spouse will always be there 'till death do us part. It's normal, I think. Sad, but normal. 

However, I'm quickly learning that part of what makes a truly successful marriage, one that will one day celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary [and do it happily!], is how we react to these little valleys over the years. And that starts, I think, with admitting it's happening. Admission of guilt, fault, whatever you want to call it. Coming to grips with yourself, and your spouse, that you're not giving your marriage 100%. That is scary. And that's not fair to either of you, and you don't want to do it anymore. And then finding ways to fix it, before it's too far broken. 

I'm not pretending I'm a marriage or relationship expert. I'm not pretending my marriage is perfect. It's far from it, in fact. But I'm hoping this will be a gut check for me now, and down the road. I think marriage, like all relationships, go through seasons. I have always been in love with my husband, and always will be. Part of being in love - to me - means figuring out what the other person needs during that season, and being with them. Not "there for them" or whatever people say during a hard time. But really being WITH them during whatever they're going through. Going through it together. Being what they need most from the person closest to them. Figuring out together how to overcome and be stronger on the other side AS A COUPLE.

Being new parents has definitely brought on a new season to our marriage, but I am taking this moment to realize how incredibly grateful I am that my husband loves me enough to prioritize me, and our marriage, above all else. And I only hope that I can bless him with the same peace he has given me. But I'm confident, in the same way that I'm confident it was God who handpicked us for each other, that HE will lead us through to be stronger on the other side, and show us how to be the spouses that each other needs. It's really not anything that I'm going through or that Ben is going through, because we are a couple, a unit, that God has brought together. Stronger together than we could ever hope to be on our own, Amen?

Matthew 19:6 "So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Motherhood Confessions: I am not afraid. I was born to do this.

I read that quote on Momastery this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Supposedly Joan of Arc said it. Who knows if she really did. Who cares. It is, or should be, true for any one of us at some point (and hopefully multiple points) of our lives.

I am not afraid.

I was afraid. I got sick to my stomach and shaky every time I talked about quitting my job. I asked my best friend if perhaps I was making the wrong decision. She told me what I already knew - that only I could decide that. But that if I felt it was the right decision, it would become the right decision. And when I finally did it, I started to realize that I wasn't quitting my job. That's not what this is about. It's about choosing to stay home with my daughter. My precious gift from God who is changing by the minute. It's about accepting the gift my husband is giving me. The opportunity to focus 100% of my time and energy on our child and our home and things that make me happy if I can find the time for them, free of guilt for the fact that I'm no longer contributing financially to our existence. I am not quitting. I am choosing a different path, and I am not afraid of it.

I was born to do this.

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. Always. Even when I saw my own mother screwing up, or when I felt like she wasn't being the kind of mother I saw on television, I loved who she was. I loved what she did for us. I understood, at nine years old, the sacrifices she made to give me and sister a better life. She gave away the life she knew to save us. That is being a mother in the most raw sense. Sacrificing yourself, for your children. And while it's easy to see this decision to stay home as a selfish one, it's a sacrifice for me to care for London. I will be giving up a lifestyle I've gotten very accustomed to - eating out whenever we choose, going out for drinks, shopping, traveling, setting a budget but never adhering to it. I will be losing a part of myself socially and emotionally, through I'll try to find new ways to augment those and other portions of myself in my new life. But I am so happy to do it. Thrilled, in fact. Because I was born to do this. I was born to be a mother. London's mother. And hopefully, someday, someone else's mother, too. But for now, this is what I was born to do.

I am not a talented musician but if I was, I'd find a way to express my thanks for this new chapter in a beautiful song. For my husband, and for God, and for London. Ever since I made the decision to leave my job and stay at home with my girl, it feels like the chains around my body, especially my heart, have been broken and my heart is singing for joy. 

I am not afraid. I was born to do this. I hope you find what you were born to do. And I hope, when you find it, you are not afraid. Because there is no greater blessing than being who you are, and doing what you were born to do.

London Claire's Baptism

This weekend, London Claire was baptized at our church. We had friends and family travel from all over the country to celebrate with us as we vowed to raise our little girl to know and love the Lord just as He knows and loves her. Moments like this Sunday morning remind me that she was His first, and He gave her to us. He picked her out just for us, and us for her, but we are just borrowing her. She is His forever. We all are, Amen?

My heart was so full as I watched London meet friends and family that are so dear to us. Her godfather from California, her great grandparents from Florida, her great aunt and uncle from Arizona - I know she won't remember meeting them, but from the looks on their faces, they will certainly remember meeting her. We were blessed to have both of my parents here from Virginia, L's godmother and her husband from South Carolina, her "god-grandparents" from Tennessee, plus a multitude of our close friends and family from here in the area. So blessed, y'all, so freakin' blessed.

I fought back tears throughout the ceremony.

That's a lie.

The truth is, I fought back tears for the past few weeks as I rocked / nursed my baby to sleep every night in her precious nursery, because I was staring at the beautiful christening gown my mother & I bought her before she was even born. I fought back tears as I dressed her in the delicate pearl bracelets and monogrammed bloomers and ruffly socks I had picked out just for her special day. I fought back tears as I slipped the delicate smocked gown over her perfect little head and tied the sweet matching bonnet under her double chin. So when the ceremony itself came, there was no more fighting them back.

The tears won. 

As I stood in front of the church we have come to love, looking into the pews to see our nearest and dearest, promising the minister to raise my little one as Christ would have us to ... there was no hope for me. It was so beautiful. I saw several of the women closest to my heart also tearing up, and I know it's because they have so much love for our precious girl and want the best for her just as we do, and want to teach her about the love of God by showing her first. I just can't describe that feeling, but I can say - gratefully and humbly - that Ben and I are unbelievably blessed.

So, if you were able to join us for any part of this weekend - physically, spiritually or emotionally, if you sent us well wishes through cards, gifts, facebook messages or texts, if you were lifting us up in prayer from around the country, I can only say thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Words could never be enough but please know that we are eternally grateful for the support you all have provided and will continue to provide on this precious journey.

Letters to London: Volume Three

My Sweet L,

From the moment a second line appeared on that stick, my heart has ached for you. My mind has been completely consumed with you. I've spent, to date, 196 days waiting for the one when we get to meet you.  Daydreaming about the possibilities of the wondrous things you're going to become and accomplish. Obsessing over the color of your nursery and which bottles you'll like best and what your wedding dress will look like...

...Worrying sick about all the things that could go wrong before you even enter this earth.

I have been so blessed to share this journey with my dear friend Sarah, who is due with a little boy just a few days before my due date. I remember expressing one of the many, many fears that overcame me in those early weeks of pregnancy and she repeated what her mom had told her...

"Welcome to motherhood"

It's true. You're not even here yet and I know in my heart of hearts that I will never. stop. worrying. It has gotten easier, but I haven't stopped worrying and I won't. Becoming a mother is accompanied by fear like I have never known. Fear that I might lose this precious life inside me before I've ever had a chance to know her.

My friend Sarah also gave me some wonderful advice as we journeyed through our first trimester together, especially these rough first few weeks.

"Whenever I start to worry, I stop everything I'm doing and pray"


Oh London! The sweet gift of prayer that you've brought back into your mother's life. I could never express my gratitude for what you have done for my relationship with Our Heavenly Father. I have prayed and prayed over you! And the thing I have learned above all else in this journey is that the creation of life is nothing short of a miracle.

...

When Dr. Campbell called me at work on Tuesday October 10 and told me my test results were positive, I literally had to stop and think about what test he could be referring to. Then I heard some of the sweetest and most terrifying words of my life "You're Pregnant" and my mind began to race. It may be another ectopic pregnancy, he said, your levels are very low... blood work, ultrasound, numbers and medical jargon flooding my head. But God had other plans for you! Each blood test came back better than the last, and then it was time for our first ultrasound, which didn't show a heartbeat. I held my breath for a week (A WEEK!) until our next ultrasound, and I couldn't even look at the screen until I heard Dr. Campbell point out a tiny blinking circle as your heartbeat. A heartbeat?! It has a heartbeat?! The sigh of relief was momentary, as we knew we weren't out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination.

On November 20 (my 27th birthday), my heart sunk when I saw substantial bleeding. I prayed and prayed, begging God for a miracle for the two days until we were able to see the doctor, and asked your dad to pray one last time in the waiting room. Then we saw your healthy tiny body on an ultrasound, and you even waved at us! If that isn't the true meaning of tears of joy, I don't know what is. 

We made it through our 12 week nuchal scan, 18 week level two scan, and even a fetal echocardiogram with flying colors. And here we are, just 8 weeks (give or take a few) from the day we get to meet you with absolutely no medical reason to worry. What a miracle, indeed!

...

You Are A Miracle. 

Please don't ever forget that, my darling girl. There are so many things that had to happen exactly in His perfect plan for you to come to be. I may not ever understand the journey the Lord took us on to get here, but I don't mind, because it has led us to YOU! And Praise God, you're already perfect. Yes you, who will someday have braces and glasses and maybe be pigeon toed or have a broken wrist.

You're perfect. 

He has made you the perfect child for me and your daddy, and I cannot wait until you get here.

Love, Mama

A Monday Quickie

Get your minds out of the gutter! Just a quick post in case anyone out there needs a Monday pick-me-up. Saw this on a friend's blog and couldn't help but share! Here's the NIV version, but I like this one better; it reads:

"Be Strong. Take Courage. Don't Be Intimidated. Don't give [the opposition] a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down, He won't leave you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Nothing is to big for Him, y'all. Amen?