Thankful

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." [Isaiah 43:2]

The past 48+ hours have been a bit ... overwhelming, I guess you could say? Emotional? Stressful? Busy, for sure. I'm not sure what the right word is. But I know the word that keeps coming up in my head.

Thankful.

I am so thankful I serve a God who has had my precious son in the palm of His hand long before he was ever on this earth. I am so thankful that He is a merciful, HEALING, comforting God who forgives me even when I forget to trust Him in all things. I am so thankful for our family's health, despite all we are going through right now. Because I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that our Lord has a plan for Winston's life and He is going to use all of this to glorify His mighty name.

Let me start from the beginning. The very beginning. I'll try to condense but feel free to skim over some of these early details.

When I was in labor with our second child, my water broke in the hospital and they noticed there was meconium in the water, so they brought in the special care nursery team. A second bag of water broke, which was clear, so they decided Winston was fine and wouldn't need any extra monitoring. I am so thankful that he had not swallowed meconium and we were able to achieve most of our birth wishes for after delivery. Delivery went well and he nursed immediately. By day two, I noticed "lipstick nipple" and had some pretty intense pain, more than what would be normal for early breastfeeding days. I kept urging the staff that he had a tongue tie, but nothing could be seen as an issue. Five days later, my nipples were bleeding and the pain of his latch brought tears to my eyes. They clipped his tongue in the pediatrician's office, but it offered me no relief. By two weeks, he was still losing weight and we added a number of tools to our breastfeeding arsenal: a hospital grade pump, bottles, nipple shields, Dr. Jack Newman's All-Purpose Nipple Ointment, a feeding syringe, an ENT (and subsequent second tongue clip with the additional lip clip), the rock 'n play sleeper, a medicine cup, reflux meds (zantac and then rantidine) ... I'm sure I'm missing a few details, but you get the picture. It wasn't pretty. I'm so thankful I had friends and professionals who took my concerns seriously and offered us ways to make breastfeeding successful. Months later, Winston was gaining weight fine but my nipples still bled off & on so I had his tongue clipped a third time in case it might help with the pain [spoiler alert: it didn't]. I eliminated dairy, then reintroduced, then eliminated again, then started reintroducing, then did a full / strict elimination. I've carried around dirty diapers in ziplock bags, I've swabbed poop into fecal sample cups, I've cleaned blow-outs off my clothes, Winston's clothes, our couch, our carpet, his sheets, his changing table, his floor, the rocking chair, the carseat, the stroller, the pack n play, the rock n play, the jumperoo, the ergo, and just about everything else he's touched. I'm thankful for other friends who have had to eliminate dairy and offered suggestions, altered meals, and helped however they could.

Fast forward to this past Sunday, June 21. Winston is 11+ months old. He has had blood in his stool off and on as a result, we're told, of the dairy sensitivity. They've always warned me that black, coffee-ground stool is a big warning sign ... and wouldn't you know what I found while changing his diaper sunday afternoon?! So we ended up in the Emergency Room for 7 hours before being transported to a larger hospital with better children's capabilities, where we were admitted for a day. I'm thankful Winston had two more stools like that at the hospital, so there was no question of what was happening, and they were able to get clear and concise cultures done.

I'm not saying this to complain, but rather to shed light on what we've been through. Maybe so I can provide some advice or solidarity to another mom who might be going down a similar road. Maybe so I can make Winston feel guilty about all he's put us through in 15 years (kidding). Maybe it's just to provide myself a reminder of all we've overcome in case the weaning hormones get me feeling guilty about our breastfeeding journey coming to an end. Either way, we've been through a lot together, but I'm so incredibly thankful for our journey over the past almost-year. I have so much to be thankful for.

• Against all odds, we have never had to supplement with formula or donor milk. I'm so thankful for my commitment and conviction to nurse my children and for my God-given ability to produce enough milk for them even when Winston was not able to transfer it from the breast. 
• There is a wealth of knowledge (through websites, support groups, and other moms) regarding dairy elimination and every other issue we've faced. I have plenty of places to turn if I have questions, need suggestions, or just need support and hugs and to know we'll get through it.
• There is a wealth of dairy-free alternatives to foods I like, and they're mostly affordable. Sure, I miss sour cream and alfredo sauce, but I've gotten accustomed to coconut milk ice cream and almond milk creamer and even goat's milk brie cheese.
• Winston's "scary" diapers happened Sunday, not Saturday (London's 3rd birthday / party). They happened when I was the one who was changing him, as someone else may not have known it was a red flag. They happened while we were at home, rather than on one of our many summer trips. They also happened during the summer, while Ben's dad is off work and able to stay with London so we could both stay in the hospital overnight with Winston.
• I spoke with a thorough, concerned after-hours nurse, who instructed me to go to the ER despite no other symptoms. We met thorough, concerned nurses and a doctor who didn't discount the severity of his symptoms, despite his overall healthy appearance. We were transferred and admitted to ensure that his symptoms were addressed and safely monitored. We were scheduled with a Pediatric GI specialist the day after being discharged from the hospital, had our appointment bumped up even earlier due to cancellations, and got scheduled for the scan he needs within two days.
• All of the possible diagnoses that have been discussed are NOT scary! They are fixable issues. Some are hard, some require immediate action, some may be long-term. But no one has used any scary words like "cancer" or "autoimmune" or even "chronic". Whatever is ailing my sweet boy, the medical staff that's caring for him is confident that they can get to the bottom of it and fix it.
• Finally, and most importantly - truly - is Winston's demeanor. He baffled every doctor who observed him with how happy and healthy he is. Despite all the blood in his stool, his blood levels are fine, he's not anemic, he needed no transfusions or IVs, his white blood count is not elevated and he has no fever. He smiled and flirted with everyone who came into his room, even minutes after being stuck 5x with needles. What we keep hearing is a possible diagnosis, followed by, "but he's too happy / healthy / gaining weight too well / developing normally for that issue". What an unbelievable blessing, am I right? 

So here we are. After blood work, labs, stool samples, cultures, a chest & belly x-ray, and a lot of poking and prodding ... we still don't really know what's going on with Winston. We have a plan:

• Today, we began a liquid-only diet for the next 7 days (breast milk and introducing almond milk, with the hope to be at least mostly weaned from nursing within a week). I am so thankful he is tolerating half-and-half breast milk and almond milk already!
• On Thursday he'll have a scan for Meckel's Diverticulum. His GI and regular pediatrician don't think it's Meckel's, but they want to rule it out and I'm in agreement on that procedure. I do feel he has some symptoms consistent with that diagnosis but I am praying with faith that if he has Meckel's, there will be no question about it on the results of the scan, so we can treat it appropriately.
• After one week, we'll begin introducing one food at a time for a week at a time until we can determine what the problem foods are. We may never know, as his gut could mature or at least calm down enough in this break to be able to tolerate whatever foods were previously causing him issues. That would be ok with me, although hard to swallow, because it means we wouldn't have to restrict his diet after the elimination period is over. 

Right now I'm praying for answers. I'm praying that God shows the doctor a clear answer for Winston's diagnosis, that there is no question about what the problem is, and that the solution is quick and complete. His current diagnosis is FPIES and something within me is not comfortable with that diagnosis, so I'm praying we find a diagnosis that leaves no room for doubt or question. I'm also praying that, through whatever else comes our way, Winston remains his happy self and I remain thankful. 

Thank you to those who have been supportive on our journey so far. Through your prayers, texts & phone calls, and all who have offered to help in someway (especially my friend Jess who brought me a grocery bag of dairy-free goodies to the hospital - with two kids in tow, no less!), we have felt so loved and we have gotten through this mostly unscathed. We have an amazing village to help with London when we both need and want to be with Winston. It's terrifying to see your baby getting put into an ambulance or taken for x-rays, but much less so when you have the comfort of knowing your big girl is being well cared for. I'm also very appreciative of all the advice and experience that's been offered so far regarding Winston's struggles - please keep it coming! And please please join me in praying for our sweet baby, for his complete healing.

xoxo

Winston Dare is Nine Months

Winston's 9th monthday was spent driving back from Virginia. I feel like we do that a lot these days! He was a trooper as we drove from Raleigh to New Jersey to Virginia and back to Raleigh. If I'm counting correctly, he's been to eight states so far with at least one more coming soon (NC // VA // MD // NJ // NY // PA // SC // FL). 

Sleeping: I'm relatively sure this child will never consistently STTN. Most nights he sleeps 7pm-5am and then cries until I give up and nurse him. He's been starting his day much too early for my liking, and subsequently so has his sister. Still taking 3 naps some days but occasionally just two. He's a chronic car Napper!

Eating: big fan of waffles & pancakes, fruit, frozen fruits // veggies. Chicken, refried beans, all sorts of baby snacks // pouches. Scrambled eggs, too. Nursing is still going well, although he is ... Ahem, exploring with his new teeth. 

Activity: he's starting to stand by himself a little more and gets so excited that he even tried to take a step once or twice today. No balance, though, bless his heart. He likes the walking toy and often falls to his knees but bounces back up without missing a beat. He loves waving and dancing! He also is notorious for pulling the outlet protectors out of the wall, so let's hope that means he's going to be an electrical engineer. 

Clothing: still hanging tough with 12 months and hopefully will for a little while because he has a ton. I'm rarely putting him in onesies these days because he has so many cute "dressier" things. He is so long in the torso than one piece outfits are challenging, which is unfortunate because I love shorts rompers. Shorts & Pants can still be anywhere from 6m - 12m. 

Firsts: [second] tooth popped through this past weekend; first trip to NY / NJ; first zoo [the Bronx]; met his cousin Lou for the first time [she was 3w]; he per a baby chick at NC State Farm days: first Easter  [I put graham cracker goldfish in his eggs]; first long car trip - from NC to NJ. He had his "even Steven" day and has officially been "out" longer than he was "in". He also got to really play at Marbles for the first time!

Measurements: At his 9m appointment, he was 40th % height and weight and 90% head, ha!! Must give the perception he's bigger than he is, because people make comments about his size all the time. He's at 20lb 6oz and I feel every bit of it lugging him around. 

8 months

Sleeping: well, we (I) finally got desperate enough to do full-on CIO. The inconsistencies in his night time sleep were maddening. Had a few rough nights but he's mostly doing 7/7:30-6 now. Transitioning down to two naps so I'm sure that's not helping but thankfully it means a longer morning nap usually. He's a belly sleeper and snuggles into the corner of the crib most nights. Sleeps with a crocheted blanket, paci and lovie (a tiger from aunt Kiki most nights). 

Eating: he is really getting into food now and it's fun to watch. Loves blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, chicken, bananas, and all carbs. Scrambled eggs with ham, pancakes, sausage are all hits. Still doing limited dairy for me and none for him. 

Activity: pulling up on everything (especially unstable items), crawling fast and starting to get brave enough to stand on his own for a couple seconds. Gives kisses and babbles / shrieks all the time. Laughs a lot, particularly at London. Such a happy dude! Seriously, he still falls asleep in my arms sometimes, loves to snuggle and smile and laugh, loves to be held. He's a trooper in the car now, and still does ok in the ergo carrier. However he does a violent arching / propelling himself backwards if he's unhappy with whatever you're forcing him to do. The kid has a strong will! 

Clothing: mostly 12m. We were give  a ton of 12-18 month stuff in exchange for some of London's old clothes, and much of it still has the tags on! Needless to say I won't be buying anything for awhile. 

Firsts: crawling, standing, first tooth. First st Patricks day (and parade !). Tons of new foods. Met his great papa and ann-ann from Florida!! 

Measurements: pushing 20 lbs and long as all get out. Short legs though, who is this child?

Winston: Seven Months

My little dude has been seven months for awhile now; not sure why this one took me so long to write. However I think the only answer that would've changed, depending on when I wrote it, is sleep. Ohhhh sleep. Some day! Let's start there, shall we?

Sleep: he's pretty consistently taking three naps per day, about 30 minutes each. The first is around 8:30-9am depending on wake up time, and may last a little longer than 30 minutes. This first nap is often taken in the car because of London's schedule with preschool, etc. The last nap is around 3:30-4pm and I don't see him dropping that any time soon; he's normally quite cranky by 6:00 or so. We try to get him in bed by 6:30/7pm. Out of desperation for some consistent sleep, I was recommended the Controlled Crying Technique by a friend (link: http://www.jofrost.com/controlled-timed-crying-technique-ctct/ ). We tried it about two weeks ago, had two tough nights, and then he went straight through to 6am the third night. PTL, am I right?? That happened for a few nights, but now we are back to being all over the map. He has a virus so I'm trying to be patient but also consistent. Like I said, some day we will sleep!

Eating: he loves carbs! Will grab biscuits, rolls & crackers out of our hands, and lights up when I bring out the jar of puffs. He likes canned pears, frozen peas, smoothies (I've let him try a few little sips of mine), water from a sippy cup or straw (dropped into his mouth) and banana. He also likes blueberries and grilled chicken, and frozen peach slices in the mesh feeder.  We are starting to reintroduce dairy into my diet and praying it goes well!! Hoping to test at his 9m appt in April. Nursing probably 5-6 times a day (when he wakes up from naps, before bed, around 6am and sometimes when he wakes up at 7ish). I am still struggling with whether I should have his tongue re clipped, as I have been having a lot of nipple pain and some bleeding again - I just don't know if it's worth putting him through that. Would love input from anyone who has been through it!

Activity: he started crawling last week and pulling up shortly before that - uh. No thanks kid. I love the sitting-but-not-yet-mobile phase, and it was so short for him :( now London & I are experiencing the joys of having to keep things off the floor, as I've already caught him eating paper and chewing on a marker (with the cap on, but still). He still likes his jumperoo and the new ( to us ) activity table I got for $5 but he really wants something sturdy he can pull up on (and mom & dad would prefer it be something safer than the coffee table). Getting him dressed is impossible because he's trying to pull up the whole time! He can go from laying down to sitting but thankfully doesn't do it in the crib very often. He is constantly trying to stand up in the bathtub, so we've switched to using the bumbo to keep him somewhat immobilized. 

Clothing: 12 months one-piece outfits but pants he still needs 9 months. I've been shopping for his Easter outfit and having a tough time finding dressy stuff in his size that won't clash with London's pink & green dress. We were so blessed with hand me down clothes from our friends Josh & Carla, so when I unpacked his 9-12 month clothes I was completely blown away by how much he has - what a blessing!! And of course he's wearing a ton of bibdanas I've made him :)

Firsts: crawling, pulling up, laying to sitting. First taste of meat: lamb, chicken; and pasta: spaghetti from amedeos! First ear infection :( he ran a fever of 103 and scared me a bit. We are OFF reflux medicine, hooray!! But the augmentin for the ear infection destroyed his tummy. He & London were making each other laugh incessantly in the car recently, and I cried tears of joy. I have been waiting for the day they could truly play / interact together and it was so awesome to experience the joy from both of them. First valentines day: He attended his first baby shower for cousin Lou, visited Fredericksburg VA to stay with our cousins Dylan & Christina (and Madison and Jacob) and ikea :) we said farewell to uncle Tyler as he left for his first deployment with the USMC. He's not talking much but he likes to yell as loud as he can to make sure everyone knows he's there. Oh, and he got to "play" in the snow for the first time - not a fan! He also gets to ride in the shopping cart and sit in high chairs at restaurants, very exciting. 

Measurements: he weighed 19'8 at his most recent sick visit. No idea on length, but just assume "huge". He's as big as a 15mo we played with recently. 

 

He's honestly the happiest sweetest kid. So snuggly and loving and smiley. We still  take him into church and he does awesome through the service. And still no teeth, thank you Jesus!

Winston is five months

WOO, this past month was a doozy y'all. The day Win turned 4m, we left for Mexico, were home for two days before heading up to VA and then down to FL after just 3 days at home. My poor baby was a trooper (they both were!) but I can't over exaggerate how much I was looking forward to being home the whole month of December. And, with that stability, the hopes of getting my boy's sleep back on track were certainly fueling that excitement. So what's hs up to at five months (and 4d)?

Sleep: shew, he's a mess. Therefore we are all a mess. He started rolling back to belly a few weeks ago, which meant we had to stop swaddling. DISASTER CITY, POPULATION: 4 EXHAUSTED ECKERSONS. Lordy, he was startling himself awake every 30 minutes for the better part of the night. After 4 nights, I said eff this noise and borrowed Merlin's Magic Sleep Suit and it made a huge difference (thanks Sally !!). That, combined with the fact that we finally found a paci he'll take, made for the best nights we'd had in awhile. However, as the weeks have gone on, he's become more and more dependent on us coming in to replace the paci and give him his lovie back. Not for every sleep cycle, but some nights it feels darn close to that. The good news is that he's able to put himself to sleep for naps and has even done it at bedtime a handful of times, so I know he's capable of putting himself back to sleep too (at least in theory) and I'm hoping he'll figure it out soon. 

Eating: he eats once most nights around 4am, and normally throughout the day upon waking up from naps (he's still taking 4x 30min naps most days). Weight gain is great, despite apparent re attachment of his tongue and lip tie (which has caused some pain for me but doesn't seem to be doing him much harm). I am doing a mild dairy elimination (again?!?!) to see if we can get to the bottom (pun intended) of the blood in his stools. We haven't started solids yet, despite a recommendation from our Ped to introduce rice cereal - I just don't feel like he's ready. 

Activity: in addition to rolling both ways, he scoots all over if he's on the floor or in his crib. He's trying to sit up and can go a minute or so before needing to use his hands or toppling into in the boppy pillow. He's starting to show a preference for certain toys, and loves rattling things and crinkly paper. Car rides are getting slightly more tolerable, as long as we time it correctly. 

Clothing: he's wearing some 9 and even 12 month pieces, though mostly 6m stuff. I love seeing him in London's Christmas onesies, although they barely fit him (and he's nearly a month younger than her when she wore them!). We've recently gotten a couple of adorable monogrammed pieces as gifts, which of course I love. And I went through all his "future clothes" bins this weekend - the dude is stocked until he's 2, I think!! We are so blessed with handmedowns (thanks Carla!!). He's still in size 2 diapers but only because I'm stubborn and want to use them up - we might skip 3s altogether for overnight, they're really way too small but I only have a few left!

Firsts: he went on his first carousel ride, train ride, and met Santa for the first time at the pullen park holiday express. Such a fun night with our little family and some dear friends. 

Weight: he's 16'9" (or he was, a week ago) and 50th % for weight, YAY!!! Despite throwing up SO much still, and all of the latch / tie issues, he's still gaining on a great curve so I am incredibly thankful for that blessing. His most recent height report was 82% I think. Still definitely charting tall & lean but he's filling out and couldn't be cuter. 

Winston is four months

The past few weeks have been so busy and honestly pretty tough, so I'm very delayed in Win's four month update. But a lot has changed since my last post, and unfortunately not much is for the better. 

Sleep: completely unpredictable. On a good night, he sleeps 6:30-3, then up again around 7:30 for the day. Sometimes also at 5. Sometimes also at 9 and midnight. I'm exhausted. The four month Wakefuls hit us early and we have not recovered. Granted, we've been traveling pretty much nonstop for 2+ weeks, so I'm hoping he'll recover some now that we are home for the month of December. Naps are still almost never longer than 30 minutes but he goes down pretty easily most of the time as long as he is swaddled and rocked and has his paci. Our goals for the next few weeks are breaking the swaddle (he is still double swaddled at night) and doing some gentle sleep training. 

Eating: we are off the nipple shield, hooray! However the pain has been slowly getting worse, despite my pediatrician saying there are no teeth in our near future. Not sure if it's his chronic congestion or gas pains that cause the pulling and tugging and chomping, but it's not super fun. But his weight gain is great and he's over 15lbs and 50% (length is 80%!). We've switched him to Prilosec and it seems to help with his discomfort from the reflux. Giving daily probiotics and gas drops as needed. 

Firsts: Winston celebrated his first Halloween as Tigger and went Trick-or-Treating with big sister. He was baptized, attended his first state fair, has started riding in the Ergo, and took his first trip to SC to visit aunt Kiki and meet uncle Ryan. he got to meet some of his Eckerson family in Florida for thanksgiving and some of his Harris family in Virginia, including his Great Grandmother (Ben's Nana Jeanne) and Great Grandfather (my Grandpa Herb). He also, unfortunately attended his first funeral when we tragically lost my Uncle Sean last week. And he had his first overnight (4 nights actually!) away from mom & dad while we were in Mexico. 

Activity: still not rolling back to belly, but he's getting close. He is very interested in his feet and sucks on his fists all the time. He loves crinkly books & toys, bright colors, black & white, and his tiger lovie from Aunt Kiki. He's starting to enjoy his jumperoo, exersaucer and bumbo seat. Doing better in the car seat, though still cries if there's an adult sitting next to him.

 

Clothes: starting to move to 6m and even outgrowing some of his 6m one-piece outfits due to length. But he is still too thin for some 3-6m pants, so outfits are a challenge. Size 2 diapers but likely moving up to size 3 for night time diapers soon. 

The Dude is Three Months!

One fourth of a year. Wow ... It feels so different than it did when London was 3 months, I think because I knew I was going back to work. While he still seems very young developmentally, the weeks have just flown by this time around. 

Sleep: still doing 7.5+ hours almost every night - we even got 10h recently!! He's going down around 7:30pm these days, the same time as London most nights. Sleeps great in the crib at night and doing better for naps. I have to be vigilant about not letting him get overtired or else getting him to sleep is really tough. Sometimes still napping in the swing, out of ease / necessity. He seems to nap every 1.5-2h for about 30 minutes, so we are developing a routine which is very much welcomed in my book. Thankfully he still naps well in the carrier and occasionally can be transferred to the stroller or carseat if he falls asleep in my arms while we are out. Unfortunately needs to be rocked for naps and cannot be laid down even remotely awake - something I'd really like to work on. The middle of the night wake still takes a long time but at least it's [usually] only one time!

Eating: still using the nipple shield for most feedings, though I try to offer it without at least once a day. He is pretty inefficient at moving the milk without the shield so he gets frustrated quickly. I have about 40oz to go for me to feel comfortable with my Mexico stash, and exactly a month to do it - time to get serious! 

Quirks & Habits: he wants to be holding my finger while falling asleep, and grabs at the skin on my chest while he's in the carrier or cuddling. He is such a cuddle bug, although he doesn't sleep soundly if he's sleeping in arms or next to me (or anywhere, for that matter; he's very squirmy and grunty in his sleep). 

Firsts: we took Winston to his first wedding and he was a dream! Slept through the ceremony, flirted with the ladies, napped in the sling and never cried. We even kept him up past bedtime so we could enjoy the after party and he was smiling and cooing in his stroller. Amazing what a different baby he is these days! He also has taken his first stroller rides and likes the aprica but not so much the double stroller. He visited the beach for the first time and I left him with daddy for the first time (to go to a baby shower, it figures!). 

Weight: last I checked, he's well over 12lbs - yay! He's even getting little thigh rolls. Up to size 2 diapers (though they're still a little big). 

Activity: he's not rolling back to belly yet (thankfully, I'm not ready to stop swaddling!) and doesn't roll belly to back all the time. Still seems to enjoy tummy time, his bouncy seat and the rock n play. Still hates the car seat! He smile, talks and coos a lot, but hasn't given us a full-on belly laugh yet. 

Clothes: he's moved into 3-6m though the pants are often huge so we haven't packed up the 0-3 pants quite yet. Thankfully the weather is turning so he's able to start wearing his cute hoodies and long sleeve onesies.