Thankful

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." [Isaiah 43:2]

The past 48+ hours have been a bit ... overwhelming, I guess you could say? Emotional? Stressful? Busy, for sure. I'm not sure what the right word is. But I know the word that keeps coming up in my head.

Thankful.

I am so thankful I serve a God who has had my precious son in the palm of His hand long before he was ever on this earth. I am so thankful that He is a merciful, HEALING, comforting God who forgives me even when I forget to trust Him in all things. I am so thankful for our family's health, despite all we are going through right now. Because I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that our Lord has a plan for Winston's life and He is going to use all of this to glorify His mighty name.

Let me start from the beginning. The very beginning. I'll try to condense but feel free to skim over some of these early details.

When I was in labor with our second child, my water broke in the hospital and they noticed there was meconium in the water, so they brought in the special care nursery team. A second bag of water broke, which was clear, so they decided Winston was fine and wouldn't need any extra monitoring. I am so thankful that he had not swallowed meconium and we were able to achieve most of our birth wishes for after delivery. Delivery went well and he nursed immediately. By day two, I noticed "lipstick nipple" and had some pretty intense pain, more than what would be normal for early breastfeeding days. I kept urging the staff that he had a tongue tie, but nothing could be seen as an issue. Five days later, my nipples were bleeding and the pain of his latch brought tears to my eyes. They clipped his tongue in the pediatrician's office, but it offered me no relief. By two weeks, he was still losing weight and we added a number of tools to our breastfeeding arsenal: a hospital grade pump, bottles, nipple shields, Dr. Jack Newman's All-Purpose Nipple Ointment, a feeding syringe, an ENT (and subsequent second tongue clip with the additional lip clip), the rock 'n play sleeper, a medicine cup, reflux meds (zantac and then rantidine) ... I'm sure I'm missing a few details, but you get the picture. It wasn't pretty. I'm so thankful I had friends and professionals who took my concerns seriously and offered us ways to make breastfeeding successful. Months later, Winston was gaining weight fine but my nipples still bled off & on so I had his tongue clipped a third time in case it might help with the pain [spoiler alert: it didn't]. I eliminated dairy, then reintroduced, then eliminated again, then started reintroducing, then did a full / strict elimination. I've carried around dirty diapers in ziplock bags, I've swabbed poop into fecal sample cups, I've cleaned blow-outs off my clothes, Winston's clothes, our couch, our carpet, his sheets, his changing table, his floor, the rocking chair, the carseat, the stroller, the pack n play, the rock n play, the jumperoo, the ergo, and just about everything else he's touched. I'm thankful for other friends who have had to eliminate dairy and offered suggestions, altered meals, and helped however they could.

Fast forward to this past Sunday, June 21. Winston is 11+ months old. He has had blood in his stool off and on as a result, we're told, of the dairy sensitivity. They've always warned me that black, coffee-ground stool is a big warning sign ... and wouldn't you know what I found while changing his diaper sunday afternoon?! So we ended up in the Emergency Room for 7 hours before being transported to a larger hospital with better children's capabilities, where we were admitted for a day. I'm thankful Winston had two more stools like that at the hospital, so there was no question of what was happening, and they were able to get clear and concise cultures done.

I'm not saying this to complain, but rather to shed light on what we've been through. Maybe so I can provide some advice or solidarity to another mom who might be going down a similar road. Maybe so I can make Winston feel guilty about all he's put us through in 15 years (kidding). Maybe it's just to provide myself a reminder of all we've overcome in case the weaning hormones get me feeling guilty about our breastfeeding journey coming to an end. Either way, we've been through a lot together, but I'm so incredibly thankful for our journey over the past almost-year. I have so much to be thankful for.

• Against all odds, we have never had to supplement with formula or donor milk. I'm so thankful for my commitment and conviction to nurse my children and for my God-given ability to produce enough milk for them even when Winston was not able to transfer it from the breast. 
• There is a wealth of knowledge (through websites, support groups, and other moms) regarding dairy elimination and every other issue we've faced. I have plenty of places to turn if I have questions, need suggestions, or just need support and hugs and to know we'll get through it.
• There is a wealth of dairy-free alternatives to foods I like, and they're mostly affordable. Sure, I miss sour cream and alfredo sauce, but I've gotten accustomed to coconut milk ice cream and almond milk creamer and even goat's milk brie cheese.
• Winston's "scary" diapers happened Sunday, not Saturday (London's 3rd birthday / party). They happened when I was the one who was changing him, as someone else may not have known it was a red flag. They happened while we were at home, rather than on one of our many summer trips. They also happened during the summer, while Ben's dad is off work and able to stay with London so we could both stay in the hospital overnight with Winston.
• I spoke with a thorough, concerned after-hours nurse, who instructed me to go to the ER despite no other symptoms. We met thorough, concerned nurses and a doctor who didn't discount the severity of his symptoms, despite his overall healthy appearance. We were transferred and admitted to ensure that his symptoms were addressed and safely monitored. We were scheduled with a Pediatric GI specialist the day after being discharged from the hospital, had our appointment bumped up even earlier due to cancellations, and got scheduled for the scan he needs within two days.
• All of the possible diagnoses that have been discussed are NOT scary! They are fixable issues. Some are hard, some require immediate action, some may be long-term. But no one has used any scary words like "cancer" or "autoimmune" or even "chronic". Whatever is ailing my sweet boy, the medical staff that's caring for him is confident that they can get to the bottom of it and fix it.
• Finally, and most importantly - truly - is Winston's demeanor. He baffled every doctor who observed him with how happy and healthy he is. Despite all the blood in his stool, his blood levels are fine, he's not anemic, he needed no transfusions or IVs, his white blood count is not elevated and he has no fever. He smiled and flirted with everyone who came into his room, even minutes after being stuck 5x with needles. What we keep hearing is a possible diagnosis, followed by, "but he's too happy / healthy / gaining weight too well / developing normally for that issue". What an unbelievable blessing, am I right? 

So here we are. After blood work, labs, stool samples, cultures, a chest & belly x-ray, and a lot of poking and prodding ... we still don't really know what's going on with Winston. We have a plan:

• Today, we began a liquid-only diet for the next 7 days (breast milk and introducing almond milk, with the hope to be at least mostly weaned from nursing within a week). I am so thankful he is tolerating half-and-half breast milk and almond milk already!
• On Thursday he'll have a scan for Meckel's Diverticulum. His GI and regular pediatrician don't think it's Meckel's, but they want to rule it out and I'm in agreement on that procedure. I do feel he has some symptoms consistent with that diagnosis but I am praying with faith that if he has Meckel's, there will be no question about it on the results of the scan, so we can treat it appropriately.
• After one week, we'll begin introducing one food at a time for a week at a time until we can determine what the problem foods are. We may never know, as his gut could mature or at least calm down enough in this break to be able to tolerate whatever foods were previously causing him issues. That would be ok with me, although hard to swallow, because it means we wouldn't have to restrict his diet after the elimination period is over. 

Right now I'm praying for answers. I'm praying that God shows the doctor a clear answer for Winston's diagnosis, that there is no question about what the problem is, and that the solution is quick and complete. His current diagnosis is FPIES and something within me is not comfortable with that diagnosis, so I'm praying we find a diagnosis that leaves no room for doubt or question. I'm also praying that, through whatever else comes our way, Winston remains his happy self and I remain thankful. 

Thank you to those who have been supportive on our journey so far. Through your prayers, texts & phone calls, and all who have offered to help in someway (especially my friend Jess who brought me a grocery bag of dairy-free goodies to the hospital - with two kids in tow, no less!), we have felt so loved and we have gotten through this mostly unscathed. We have an amazing village to help with London when we both need and want to be with Winston. It's terrifying to see your baby getting put into an ambulance or taken for x-rays, but much less so when you have the comfort of knowing your big girl is being well cared for. I'm also very appreciative of all the advice and experience that's been offered so far regarding Winston's struggles - please keep it coming! And please please join me in praying for our sweet baby, for his complete healing.

xoxo

Winston Dare is Nine Months

Winston's 9th monthday was spent driving back from Virginia. I feel like we do that a lot these days! He was a trooper as we drove from Raleigh to New Jersey to Virginia and back to Raleigh. If I'm counting correctly, he's been to eight states so far with at least one more coming soon (NC // VA // MD // NJ // NY // PA // SC // FL). 

Sleeping: I'm relatively sure this child will never consistently STTN. Most nights he sleeps 7pm-5am and then cries until I give up and nurse him. He's been starting his day much too early for my liking, and subsequently so has his sister. Still taking 3 naps some days but occasionally just two. He's a chronic car Napper!

Eating: big fan of waffles & pancakes, fruit, frozen fruits // veggies. Chicken, refried beans, all sorts of baby snacks // pouches. Scrambled eggs, too. Nursing is still going well, although he is ... Ahem, exploring with his new teeth. 

Activity: he's starting to stand by himself a little more and gets so excited that he even tried to take a step once or twice today. No balance, though, bless his heart. He likes the walking toy and often falls to his knees but bounces back up without missing a beat. He loves waving and dancing! He also is notorious for pulling the outlet protectors out of the wall, so let's hope that means he's going to be an electrical engineer. 

Clothing: still hanging tough with 12 months and hopefully will for a little while because he has a ton. I'm rarely putting him in onesies these days because he has so many cute "dressier" things. He is so long in the torso than one piece outfits are challenging, which is unfortunate because I love shorts rompers. Shorts & Pants can still be anywhere from 6m - 12m. 

Firsts: [second] tooth popped through this past weekend; first trip to NY / NJ; first zoo [the Bronx]; met his cousin Lou for the first time [she was 3w]; he per a baby chick at NC State Farm days: first Easter  [I put graham cracker goldfish in his eggs]; first long car trip - from NC to NJ. He had his "even Steven" day and has officially been "out" longer than he was "in". He also got to really play at Marbles for the first time!

Measurements: At his 9m appointment, he was 40th % height and weight and 90% head, ha!! Must give the perception he's bigger than he is, because people make comments about his size all the time. He's at 20lb 6oz and I feel every bit of it lugging him around. 

19 days into our journey

... Which could also be called "I get it now" or "a lesson in humility". 

I've posted before about how much I loved being able to breastfeed London. The benefits I found from it, the convenience and bonding it allows. While I tried very hard not to ever be too "in your face" about breastfeeding, I was open about it and also about how important I think it is. So it's only fair for me to be open about my breastfeeding journey thus far with Winston. 

I didn't understand why mothers chose formula. I knew that it was often not so much a choice as it was a Plan B when breastfeeding didn't go well for whatever reason. And I tried to be respectful and not overtly judge any mother for how she saw fit to feed her baby. But inside, I thought it was a selfish decision not to at least try to nurse. And I didn't understand why a mom would go straight to formula without really giving breastfeeding much effort. 

I get it now. 

It's easy to say "breastfeeding is hard" but it wasn't really that hard for me so it was an easy decision, for the most part, to stick with it and stay away from formula. I didn't fully appreciate how easy my breastfeeding relationship with London was. 

I get it now. 

I understand why mothers walk away from it. As I sat in my son's nursery at 2am, 5 days postpartum, delirious from feeding every 25 minutes all night, holding a baby who refused to be put down, crying from exhaustion and throbbing, cracked & bleeding nipples ... I would be lying if I said I didn't hate nursing a little. And no one would've blamed me for offering him some formula in that moment. 

Well, no one except for over zealous breastfeeding moms who say they don't judge, but secretly are a little bit judgey. Moms like me. The me from two years ago would've blamed me. And that's not cool. So I'm saying it here, not that any of you need any approval from me or anyone else, but I think it needs to be said: I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry if I gave you a disappointed look as you pulled up to the check-out counter in Target with Similac in your cart, while I purchased breast pads and lanolin. 

I'm sorry for shaking my head at the Facebook picture of your husband feeding your newborn a bottle, as I nursed my daughter for the 5th time that night. 

I'm sorry for assuming you didn't give it your absolute hardest try before making the decision that was best for your family. I'm sorry for assuming you didn't lose sleep over introducing formula. I'm sorry for assuming there wasn't an underlying factor that made it damn near impossible for you to continue a healthy breastfeeding relationship. And I'm sorry for even giving it a second thought because it's none of my damn business how you choose to feed your baby. 

But please know that I get it now. 

Winston latched immediately after birth. The nurses were impressed at the fact that he stayed on the breast for close to 40 minutes in our delivery room. The lactation consultant called his latch "beautiful" and offered little advice other than congratulating me on how much colostrum I had already. By day two, I was sore but my milk had started to come in, so I assumed all was well and normal, that the first few days of breastfeeding are supposed to be painful and I knew it would get easier. By day three, I began to suspect something wasn't right, and at our pediatrician appointment on day 4 I knew there was something off. But after our third pediatrician and two lactation consultants, as well as multiple hospital nurses, said everything was normal, I went home and waited for it to get better. 

By our follow up appointment on day 6, my nipples were cracked and bleeding. I cried almost every time he latched. The pain was toe curling, like he had a mouthful of razor blades and was chomping my nipple off. I took prescription strength Motrin around the clock to get through the next nursing session. I tried different holds, re-latching, massaging, everything I could think of to help with the pain. They offered to clip his frenulum, which was heartbreaking for me and offered no improvement in the nursing. The following week, he started losing weight. I got desperate. I introduced a nipple shield, and a prescription cream to help heal the sores, neither providing much relief from his bad latch. 

At his two week appointment, he was continuing to lose weight and I was devastated. I had cried every day since his birth. I felt like I was failing him as his mother, and I was frustrated that all my effort seemed to be for nothing. After attempting to finger / tube feed with little success, we decided to start a regiment of pumping & bottle feeding. So now, our routine is bottle feeding 1.5oz of breastmilk, nursing until he falls asleep , bottle feeding another ounce of breastmilk, nursing again, and then I pump to try to keep up with him. I'm still using a nipple shield to nurse, a special slow flow nipple to bottle feed, a hospital grade pump, and I'm up for an hour and a half every 2.5 hours. And while I am proud that he is still exclusively breastfed and finally gaining weight, it is HARD. If breastfeeding wasn't so damn important to me, I'd probably have thrown in the towel by now. 

So for those of you who have had similar struggles, or worse, or maybe not at all ... And you've chosen to stop breastfeeding ... I get it. And I'm sorry if I didn't offer you more support in your journey, whatever that looked like. 

[almost] two weeks with Winston

I really need to blog his birth story and my 39w update, but for now, here's a random collection of thoughts on where we are with this little man. 

I'll start by saying, he's adorable. So sweet and cuddly. Loves to be held or worn. Likes being swaddled and white noise. Doesn't like having his diaper changed or a bath. He's done really well with some of our errands so London is able to have some sense of normalcy in her life (we've been to story time twice and went to Marbles today!). 

Nursing him is one of the hardest things I've ever done. By Day Five, my nipples were cracked and bleeding and the pain was so bad I couldn't shower without crying. Every time he latched was torture. To date, we've seen four Lactation Consultants, three Pediatricians and a Chiropractor. We had his frenulum clipped last Friday in the hopes that it might help (it didn't) so, much to my dismay, I'm using a nipple shield and Newman's All Purpose Nipple Ointment to try to help the nips heal until his latch gets stronger. He's not effectively emptying the breast so I'm basically massaging the milk into his mouth at every feeding. I've had multiple clogged ducts already. It's a struggle, y'all. The good news is, I have such an awesome support system who has provided me a world of suggestions to try - I'm so fortunate that these difficulties are happening with a second baby because I know what to do and who to talk to. At this point, I would really appreciate prayers for solid weight gain at his 2w appt on Monday. Otherwise, I'm taking it one feeding at a time. 

In a related note [I think], he's sleeping horribly. I often fight with him for 2-3h trying to get him to sleep longer than 15m at night. He can't stay awake long enough to get a good nursing session, so he wakes up hungry a few minutes after I lay him down. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit he slept in the rock 'n play for most of the night but I got 2x 2h stretches of sleep so that makes it a little easier to swallow the fact that he's not in his crib. 

My recovery has not been ideal, what with a 2x second degree tear and the fact that I'm certainly overdoing it, chasing a two year old and trying to keep up with at least a little bit of housework. The uterine cramping has been much worse this time and my bleeding seems to be worse as well. I've been taking Motrin pretty much around the clock to combat the cramps & breast / nipple pain, and taking advantage of a 30m nap with the boy while L takes her nap. 

I'm trying to give him and myself some grace, since we are less than two weeks postpartum and having so many feeding issues, but it's hard. Real freaking hard. Add a wild toddler who's acting out and having lots of potty accidents and you can understand my patience is a bit thin, at best. Several nights I've only gotten two hours of sleep. But, again, we have an amazing support system of friends and family who have been feeding us and coming to entertain London so I can focus much of my energy on getting this boy fed, a blessing for which I'll be eternally grateful. All I can do is keep feeding the baby and thank God for each day we all survive! I know it'll get easier (at least I am clinging to that hope!) and that I'll miss this sleep-deprived, snuggly newborn days, but when you're in the thick of it, it's hard to remember that. 

Thanks to everyone who has wished us well, sent gifts or cards, brought a meal or cup of coffee, or just played with London for a few hours. We wouldn't be able to do it without you !