Thursday, June 7, 2012

Letters to London: Sacrifice

Baby girl,

I should be writing my 38 week post (which I started yesterday, never got to, and now am too exhausted to write right now), but instead I'm writing this to you. Makes sense, I suppose, to prioritize a letter to my daughter over of a mundane weekly update. Pretty soon, I'll be prioritizing you over just about everything else!

As I will probably remind you, time and time again, you are the biggest blessing of our lives - one that we prayed many times over. But carrying you around for nine months has been no picnic, my friend. In fact, pregnancy has been much harder than I anticipated!

I knew that, what with my weak stomach, morning sickness would be tough, and likely something that would hit me hard ... and it did. I have a hard time swallowing the idea of going through those 2-3 months of vomiting again, but I think it's almost a blessing that no one knows you're going through the first trimester hell, because you have to keep going with your normal life to keep up the secret. And it's so exciting that some of that energy carries you through.

What I didn't anticipate was how hard this last trimester would be! More accurately, the last month or two. I found my "pregnancy stride" about midway through the second trimester, somewhere around the time that we found out you were a girl & picked your name, and shortly thereafter both started feeling you move. I wouldn't say I was enjoying pregnancy, but it wasn't bad!

That only lasted until halfway through the third trimester or so, when I started to get really uncomfortable. I've been carrying so high that the rib pain has been downright awful - I imagine it's you doing calf presses on them, trying to escape. No matter how many times I tell you it's the wrong way out, you haven't given it up yet or tried to start digging yourself out through the southern exit. Go towards the light! The rib pain turned into mid-back pain and my reflux has gotten so bad that I can't lay down. That's right, I sleep sitting straight up, and have even taken to doing so on the couch. Fun times! Yoga classes, chiropractor appointments, Pepcid AC, prenatal massages, walking, stretching ... I've tried everything and the pain and discomfort just keeps getting worse. I'm now dealing with shortness of breath, numbness in my arms and legs, lightheaded-ness, dizziness, nausea and vomiting, vaginal cramping, hip pain and stiffness. I'm gonna be honest, little one, you're kicking my butt over here!

I didn't intend for this to be a great big whine. What I intended this to be was a confession of how hard this is. I want you to know that last night, I finally lost it. For no reason, and for every reason, I broke down and sobbed great big alligator tears for thirty minutes straight. Your poor dad kept asking what was wrong, and when I didn't know, it only made me cry harder. And then this morning I cried on the phone with Gigi. And twice at work. And once tonight. I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted, I just can't control myself anymore. This weepy mess is NOT who your mama is!

And while I am so anxious to meet you and ready to stop being pregnant, I actually think most of these tears are disappointment and fear. Disappointment in myself, that I wasn't able to enjoy pregnancy more. That I find myself sometimes wishing it away. That I'm not able to better handle all of this. Fear that, if the last month of pregnancy is this hard on me, I'll never be able to make it through the labor experience I want for us. And that I'll never be able to survive the first few sleep-deprived weeks that you're here.

But I'm trying to cling to something that another woman said to me in my emotional state. This is the beginning of the sacrifice we, as mothers, make for our children. And I CAN do it, and I WILL do it, and one way or another you're going to be here in less than four weeks. Despite the fact that the days (oh who am I kidding - hours!) are crawling by now, it will be here before I know it.

And if there's one thing I do know, it's that meeting you will be worth all of this and anything else I could've possibly ever gone through to get here. Because you are our precious miracle, our gift from God. You were His first and He chose your dad and me to parent you. He wouldn't have chosen me as your mother if He didn't know I could get through this, so I'm going to try to keep trusting Him to carry me to that finish line.

But I swear, the first time you break curfew, I'll remind you of the pain I endured for you and give you the biggest guilt trip for putting your poor mother through all this! Just kidding ... all right, I'm probably not.

Are you ready yet? Because I sure am!


  1. Don't feel sad or disappointed! You have to give yourself some credit - you are doing something that is incredible and wonderful and really hard! And when sweet little London arrives and you look at her, I bet you will cry the HAPPIEST tears you've ever cried in your entire life!

  2. I have been thinking about you and this post a lot today. I am sorry that you are going through a rough time right now. I completely understand. Please don't be sad or disappointed in yourself (I know it can be easier said than done). I know lots of people who don't really enjoy pregnancy (me being one of them). The most important thing is that you have done something amazing (providing little Miss L with a warm and cozy environment to grow for the last nine months) and that it is almost over with and you will have that little girl in your arms to hold and love on very soon. You are a strong girl and you can make it these last few weeks. There are lots of people who love you, support you and are praying for you ( being one of them). Ps. I know you said you have to sleep sitting straight up, but have you tried the Snoodle Pillow? I wonder if that would make things more comfortable for you. I have lots of friends who swear by it.