19 days into our journey

... Which could also be called "I get it now" or "a lesson in humility". 

I've posted before about how much I loved being able to breastfeed London. The benefits I found from it, the convenience and bonding it allows. While I tried very hard not to ever be too "in your face" about breastfeeding, I was open about it and also about how important I think it is. So it's only fair for me to be open about my breastfeeding journey thus far with Winston. 

I didn't understand why mothers chose formula. I knew that it was often not so much a choice as it was a Plan B when breastfeeding didn't go well for whatever reason. And I tried to be respectful and not overtly judge any mother for how she saw fit to feed her baby. But inside, I thought it was a selfish decision not to at least try to nurse. And I didn't understand why a mom would go straight to formula without really giving breastfeeding much effort. 

I get it now. 

It's easy to say "breastfeeding is hard" but it wasn't really that hard for me so it was an easy decision, for the most part, to stick with it and stay away from formula. I didn't fully appreciate how easy my breastfeeding relationship with London was. 

I get it now. 

I understand why mothers walk away from it. As I sat in my son's nursery at 2am, 5 days postpartum, delirious from feeding every 25 minutes all night, holding a baby who refused to be put down, crying from exhaustion and throbbing, cracked & bleeding nipples ... I would be lying if I said I didn't hate nursing a little. And no one would've blamed me for offering him some formula in that moment. 

Well, no one except for over zealous breastfeeding moms who say they don't judge, but secretly are a little bit judgey. Moms like me. The me from two years ago would've blamed me. And that's not cool. So I'm saying it here, not that any of you need any approval from me or anyone else, but I think it needs to be said: I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry if I gave you a disappointed look as you pulled up to the check-out counter in Target with Similac in your cart, while I purchased breast pads and lanolin. 

I'm sorry for shaking my head at the Facebook picture of your husband feeding your newborn a bottle, as I nursed my daughter for the 5th time that night. 

I'm sorry for assuming you didn't give it your absolute hardest try before making the decision that was best for your family. I'm sorry for assuming you didn't lose sleep over introducing formula. I'm sorry for assuming there wasn't an underlying factor that made it damn near impossible for you to continue a healthy breastfeeding relationship. And I'm sorry for even giving it a second thought because it's none of my damn business how you choose to feed your baby. 

But please know that I get it now. 

Winston latched immediately after birth. The nurses were impressed at the fact that he stayed on the breast for close to 40 minutes in our delivery room. The lactation consultant called his latch "beautiful" and offered little advice other than congratulating me on how much colostrum I had already. By day two, I was sore but my milk had started to come in, so I assumed all was well and normal, that the first few days of breastfeeding are supposed to be painful and I knew it would get easier. By day three, I began to suspect something wasn't right, and at our pediatrician appointment on day 4 I knew there was something off. But after our third pediatrician and two lactation consultants, as well as multiple hospital nurses, said everything was normal, I went home and waited for it to get better. 

By our follow up appointment on day 6, my nipples were cracked and bleeding. I cried almost every time he latched. The pain was toe curling, like he had a mouthful of razor blades and was chomping my nipple off. I took prescription strength Motrin around the clock to get through the next nursing session. I tried different holds, re-latching, massaging, everything I could think of to help with the pain. They offered to clip his frenulum, which was heartbreaking for me and offered no improvement in the nursing. The following week, he started losing weight. I got desperate. I introduced a nipple shield, and a prescription cream to help heal the sores, neither providing much relief from his bad latch. 

At his two week appointment, he was continuing to lose weight and I was devastated. I had cried every day since his birth. I felt like I was failing him as his mother, and I was frustrated that all my effort seemed to be for nothing. After attempting to finger / tube feed with little success, we decided to start a regiment of pumping & bottle feeding. So now, our routine is bottle feeding 1.5oz of breastmilk, nursing until he falls asleep , bottle feeding another ounce of breastmilk, nursing again, and then I pump to try to keep up with him. I'm still using a nipple shield to nurse, a special slow flow nipple to bottle feed, a hospital grade pump, and I'm up for an hour and a half every 2.5 hours. And while I am proud that he is still exclusively breastfed and finally gaining weight, it is HARD. If breastfeeding wasn't so damn important to me, I'd probably have thrown in the towel by now. 

So for those of you who have had similar struggles, or worse, or maybe not at all ... And you've chosen to stop breastfeeding ... I get it. And I'm sorry if I didn't offer you more support in your journey, whatever that looked like. 

[almost] two weeks with Winston

I really need to blog his birth story and my 39w update, but for now, here's a random collection of thoughts on where we are with this little man. 

I'll start by saying, he's adorable. So sweet and cuddly. Loves to be held or worn. Likes being swaddled and white noise. Doesn't like having his diaper changed or a bath. He's done really well with some of our errands so London is able to have some sense of normalcy in her life (we've been to story time twice and went to Marbles today!). 

Nursing him is one of the hardest things I've ever done. By Day Five, my nipples were cracked and bleeding and the pain was so bad I couldn't shower without crying. Every time he latched was torture. To date, we've seen four Lactation Consultants, three Pediatricians and a Chiropractor. We had his frenulum clipped last Friday in the hopes that it might help (it didn't) so, much to my dismay, I'm using a nipple shield and Newman's All Purpose Nipple Ointment to try to help the nips heal until his latch gets stronger. He's not effectively emptying the breast so I'm basically massaging the milk into his mouth at every feeding. I've had multiple clogged ducts already. It's a struggle, y'all. The good news is, I have such an awesome support system who has provided me a world of suggestions to try - I'm so fortunate that these difficulties are happening with a second baby because I know what to do and who to talk to. At this point, I would really appreciate prayers for solid weight gain at his 2w appt on Monday. Otherwise, I'm taking it one feeding at a time. 

In a related note [I think], he's sleeping horribly. I often fight with him for 2-3h trying to get him to sleep longer than 15m at night. He can't stay awake long enough to get a good nursing session, so he wakes up hungry a few minutes after I lay him down. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit he slept in the rock 'n play for most of the night but I got 2x 2h stretches of sleep so that makes it a little easier to swallow the fact that he's not in his crib. 

My recovery has not been ideal, what with a 2x second degree tear and the fact that I'm certainly overdoing it, chasing a two year old and trying to keep up with at least a little bit of housework. The uterine cramping has been much worse this time and my bleeding seems to be worse as well. I've been taking Motrin pretty much around the clock to combat the cramps & breast / nipple pain, and taking advantage of a 30m nap with the boy while L takes her nap. 

I'm trying to give him and myself some grace, since we are less than two weeks postpartum and having so many feeding issues, but it's hard. Real freaking hard. Add a wild toddler who's acting out and having lots of potty accidents and you can understand my patience is a bit thin, at best. Several nights I've only gotten two hours of sleep. But, again, we have an amazing support system of friends and family who have been feeding us and coming to entertain London so I can focus much of my energy on getting this boy fed, a blessing for which I'll be eternally grateful. All I can do is keep feeding the baby and thank God for each day we all survive! I know it'll get easier (at least I am clinging to that hope!) and that I'll miss this sleep-deprived, snuggly newborn days, but when you're in the thick of it, it's hard to remember that. 

Thanks to everyone who has wished us well, sent gifts or cards, brought a meal or cup of coffee, or just played with London for a few hours. We wouldn't be able to do it without you ! 

Recipe: pizza pancakes

Can't really take credit for this one. Ben & his friend Billy found the recipe, I just brought it to the kitchen. It turned out well, makes for a quick and easy dinner, and you can modify it to whatever you would want on your pizza!

Original recipe found here: http://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/pizza-pancakes

Ingredients

2c bisquick baking mix 

2tsp Italian seasoning

1c milk

2 eggs

1/2c shredded mozzarella cheese

1/2 tomato, diced

1/4 green pepper, diced

Handful of pepperoni, quartered (about 1/4c)

Directions

Combine baking mix & seasoning in a large bowl

Combine eggs & milk in a smaller bowl; combine with dry ingredients until just moist 

Fold in cheese and "toppings" (tomato, pepper & pepperoni)

Heat a greased skillet on med-low

Spoon mixture into heated skillet and let cook until bubbles pop, a few minutes on each side until golden brown

Optional: serve with warm spaghetti sauce 

Letters to Baby: Hurry up and Wait

Dear Baby,

First, let me start by saying, I'm sorry you don't have a name yet. It's not that we don't care - quite the opposite. For some reason we are obsessing over weird details we never even considered when choosing your sister's name. It's hard to name a boy! Something strong & masculine, but not doesn't sounds like a pit bull or super hero. Something that goes with "London Claire" but nothing that rhymes, starts with L, or has geographic origin. What will your nickname be? Should we use a family name? Will people mistake it for something else? Will there be 4 others in your kindergarten class? It's a lot of pressure! But I promise, the names we've narrowed it down to are all pretty awesome and I know, soon, it'll just hit us which one is perfect for you. Maybe after you're already here, but I'm (finally) ok with that. 

Anyway, the point of this was that we are not ready for you to come. 

NOT. 

READY. 

Beyond just not having your name picked out, your nursery is not even close to finished. Your closet is empty, the crib isn't set up, sheets haven't been washed. I don't have your coming home outfit washed. I have no idea if we own any socks for you. All of this stresses me out quite a bit. You see, your mama is what some people would call a bit of a control freak. Type A. Whatever. So to have all these things left undone is unnerving to me, and causes me to hope you stay inside for at least another month. 

But yet, for some strange reason (maybe because I hate being pregnant and I'm relatively sure if you don't come out soon you might actually break my ribs), I'm so ready for you to be here. I'm over analyzing every possible pre-labor symptom. I packed my hospital bags (sort-of) tonight. I RSVP to things in the coming weeks with the preface that we'll attend if you haven't made your arrival yet. So I guess as much as I am not ready for you, I am as ready as I could possibly be to meet you, and hold you in my arms, and stroke those sweet tiny feet that have been threatening to crack my rib cage for so many weeks now. From as much as I can tell, things are pretty cramped in there so I think you're ready to come out, too. 

And since I'm "full term" and you've been measuring plenty big enough, I'll just go ahead and give you permission to come any time you're ready. Which, we all know, by me saying that means you'll be two weeks late. But hey, maybe then you'll have some socks?

Can't wait to see your sweet face, and watch your daddy meet his son for the first time. We love you so much already. 

Xoxo,

Your mommy

Recipe: yummy burgers

So we bought a cow, right? But would you believe that this week was the first time we've made burgers on the grill with the *amazing* ground beef? They were delicious, cooked to perfection (way to go B!) and London even loved the mini-burger I set aside for her. And for the three of us, it was enough to freeze dinner for another night (read: to be enjoyed in my post-baby sleep deprivation haze). 

Inspired by this post via Pinterest: http://www.littlemissmomma.com/2011/10/best-burger-ever-recipe-with-secret-sauce.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed:+blogspot/vlrRO+(Little+Miss+Momma)

Ingredients

1.5lb lean ground beef

1 heaping tbsp BBQ sauce

1/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese

1/4 cup shredded Parmesan cheese

Onion powder and black pepper to taste (I use both of these pretty liberally)

Directions

Mix all ingredients together in a medium mixing bowl

Form patties approx. 1-1.5" thick

Press firmly with your thumb in the middle of each patty to create a significant indentation; this will allow the burgers to stay "flat" and cook more evenly

Grill each side to your liking OR sautée 4-6min on each side in a buttered pan over medium heat 

Serve on buns and top with lettuce, tomato, etc. 

36 weeks

How far along?: 36w3d

How big is baby?: the size of a large cantaloupe; approx. 19-22in and 6lbs

Weight gain?: none since last week; 21lbs total

Stretch marks?: none

Sleep?: terrible. I have a lingering cough plus the reflux makes me wake up choking and often vomiting, so the sleep is interrupted and normally quite uncomfortable

Best moment last week?: London's 2nd birthday celebrations. Two is the sweetest age! Don't get me wrong, she's a total diva and the tantrums wear me thin, but she just loved celebrating her birthday. 

Food cravings?: nothing of note, besides beer and Italian subs

Symptoms?: reflux, more aches & pains than I could ever list, and one less than pleasant symptom I will spare you the details of

Exercise?: yoga and chasing London

Movement?: I'm constantly feeling his little heel up by my ribs

Belly button?: no change but definitely visible through clothes 

What I miss?: sleep

Labor signs?: as of today, my cervix is starting to thin & dilate and baby's head is low. Great news, considering I never got that far on my own with London, but not necessarily indicative that he'll be here any time soon. 

What I'm looking forward to?: continuing to work on his nursery. Ben is working hard to get it ready!

34 weeks

How far along?: 34 weeks 4 days

How big is baby?: the size of a pineapple! 19-22 inches and about 4lb 9oz. He has likely reached his birth length and is now packing on the pounds. He obviously had a growth spurt since my last appt because I went from measuring 30w to 34w in only two weeks!

Weight gain?: back up to where I was a month or so ago - overall I think I'm at 19lbs, so on track to hopefully gain only a few lbs more than I did with L

Stretch marks?: nope - even the dr commented on how lucky I was not to have any!

Maternity clothes?: refusing to buy any more but I did get some super comfy non-maternity pants (http://m.target.com/p/mossimo-supply-co-junior-s-soft-pant-assorted-colors/-/A-15128697) from target last week. And I'd like to get some nursing-friendly tops and gowns or pajamas before the hospital. 

Sleep?: ugh. Getting very tough. I'm fighting a cold or allergies, so I'm snoring like a chainsaw (poor Ben even slept on the couch!) and the heartburn (or whatever) is still causing me to wake up choking & vomiting. I tried sleeping propped up but ended up with a horrible headache. And most nights I have to get up 1-3x to pee. But at least I don't have insomnia!

Best moment last week?: we had a nice little adults-only getaway in Virginia Beach last weekend! 

Food cravings?: nothing to note

Symptoms?: aside from the previously mentioned, my pubic symphysis pain has flared up again and the mid-back / rub pain has started. I can tell it's getting crowded in there! Hoping to see a chiropractor to help alleviate some of the issues. 

Exercise?: signed up for 6 more weeks of yoga!

Movement?: frequent and often painful but at least I know he's healthy & active!

Belly button?: out mostly, but didn't stop me from wearing a bikini this weekend

What I miss?: adult beverages 

Labor signs?: he's head down (confirmed by ultrasound yesterday) but that's all for now - and hopefully for awhile!

What I'm looking forward to?: London's second birthday party next weekend!