Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Letters to London: Volume Three

My Sweet L,

From the moment a second line appeared on that stick, my heart has ached for you. My mind has been completely consumed with you. I've spent, to date, 196 days waiting for the one when we get to meet you.  Daydreaming about the possibilities of the wondrous things you're going to become and accomplish. Obsessing over the color of your nursery and which bottles you'll like best and what your wedding dress will look like...

...Worrying sick about all the things that could go wrong before you even enter this earth.

I have been so blessed to share this journey with my dear friend Sarah, who is due with a little boy just a few days before my due date. I remember expressing one of the many, many fears that overcame me in those early weeks of pregnancy and she repeated what her mom had told her...

"Welcome to motherhood"

It's true. You're not even here yet and I know in my heart of hearts that I will never. stop. worrying. It has gotten easier, but I haven't stopped worrying and I won't. Becoming a mother is accompanied by fear like I have never known. Fear that I might lose this precious life inside me before I've ever had a chance to know her.

My friend Sarah also gave me some wonderful advice as we journeyed through our first trimester together, especially these rough first few weeks.

"Whenever I start to worry, I stop everything I'm doing and pray"

Oh London! The sweet gift of prayer that you've brought back into your mother's life. I could never express my gratitude for what you have done for my relationship with Our Heavenly Father. I have prayed and prayed over you! And the thing I have learned above all else in this journey is that the creation of life is nothing short of a miracle.


When Dr. Campbell called me at work on Tuesday October 10 and told me my test results were positive, I literally had to stop and think about what test he could be referring to. Then I heard some of the sweetest and most terrifying words of my life "You're Pregnant" and my mind began to race. It may be another ectopic pregnancy, he said, your levels are very low... blood work, ultrasound, numbers and medical jargon flooding my head. But God had other plans for you! Each blood test came back better than the last, and then it was time for our first ultrasound, which didn't show a heartbeat. I held my breath for a week (A WEEK!) until our next ultrasound, and I couldn't even look at the screen until I heard Dr. Campbell point out a tiny blinking circle as your heartbeat. A heartbeat?! It has a heartbeat?! The sigh of relief was momentary, as we knew we weren't out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination.

On November 20 (my 27th birthday), my heart sunk when I saw substantial bleeding. I prayed and prayed, begging God for a miracle for the two days until we were able to see the doctor, and asked your dad to pray one last time in the waiting room. Then we saw your healthy tiny body on an ultrasound, and you even waved at us! If that isn't the true meaning of tears of joy, I don't know what is. 

We made it through our 12 week nuchal scan, 18 week level two scan, and even a fetal echocardiogram with flying colors. And here we are, just 8 weeks (give or take a few) from the day we get to meet you with absolutely no medical reason to worry. What a miracle, indeed!

You Are A Miracle. 

Please don't ever forget that, my darling girl. There are so many things that had to happen exactly in His perfect plan for you to come to be. I may not ever understand the journey the Lord took us on to get here, but I don't mind, because it has led us to YOU! And Praise God, you're already perfect. Yes you, who will someday have braces and glasses and maybe be pigeon toed or have a broken wrist.

You're perfect. 

He has made you the perfect child for me and your daddy, and I cannot wait until you get here.

Love, Mama


  1. Awww I teared up reading this...I am so anxious to see your sweet miracle girl.

  2. Aubrey, I had no idea you had gone through all of this. But so glad everything has gone so well and you are getting so close to meeting her!

  3. I am loving these letters! I hope you continue them after she is born too!

  4. This is the sweetest thing ever! I love the letters. And yes, motherhood equals SO MUCH worrying. It's so ridculous. Ella can be right in front of me and some part of me is worrying about her. It will be even more overwhelming in the beginning when she's finally here but you'll learn how to handle it a little more. I promise. It just gives you an appreciation for how crazy your mom drove you growing up. ;) YOU'RE SO CLOSE!

  5. aubrey, i've loved reading your "letter to london"...they are so precious! glad you are doing well!