Yes, I knoooooow I already posted today, but I can't let this slip by anymore. I need to get it off my chest, and Praise the Lord, Glennon (an amazing blogger I've been following for awhile) gave me the strength to share it with all (25) of you. I have been nervous about sharing these feelings with anyone, for fear of judgement. But you know what? This is my blog. And nobody gets to come to my blog and judge me. I know you're all here because you love me, and my recipes and my crafts and my husband and, most importantly, our sweet babe.
So, if you have the time, read this first. Then continue reading mine.
This is an absolutely amazing time in my life, and in my relationship with my Ben. I recognize that I only get to have these nine months, and then life will be flying by faster than I ever could've imagined. I recognize that the miracle happening inside me right now can only be described as that - a miracle. And that our gracious Father decided WE were fit to raise one of His precious children, and that I am fit to carry that precious child until it's ready for this world.
Psalm 118:23 The LORD has done this and it is marvelous in our eyes
It is so marvelous. This baby, creating a life with my wonderful husband, it's marvelous. But sometimes, I feel slightly less than marvelous, myself. Sometimes, when someone asks me, "Don't you just love being pregnant?!" I politely smile and nod, but inside, I'm thinking "ARE YOU CRAZY?!"
I vomited all day every day for almost three months, I miss sushi and Jersey Mike's, I couldn't partake in the beauty of fall beer season, I'm exhausted and have headaches every day, I don't recognize my own body and ALL I WANT TO DO IS SLEEP FOR EIGHT HOURS STRAIGHT. Yes, now that you mention it, I just looooooove being pregnant!
OK, I may be exaggerating slightly on how bad it is and how much fun it is not. And I know there are women who love being pregnant. But, y'all? I am not one of them.
To all you women who legitimately do love being pregnant, I love you for it. I love you for saying how much you love it, because it made me so excited to one day get pregnant and it makes me want to love it now. I don't resent you if you haven't had even a touch of morning sickness, or if your skin is glowing, hair is shiny and nails are strong, or if you somehow still have the strength and energy to run 6 miles, make an organic dinner and have sex with your husband every night. If it wasn't for people like you, and there were only people like me, no one would ever want to get pregnant. I understand they'd do it out of necessity to procreate, but they wouldn't look forward to it like I did. So God Bless You for convincing other women of the world to join this not-so-secret club called motherhood.
Now then, readers, please don't take this the wrong way. I love what God is doing in our lives. I love this little baby more than anyone on this planet besides my husband. And, trust me when I tell you, I want to love being pregnant. But I don't... yet. I keep being told that I'll forget all about being sick, tired and cranky in a few months. I'll forget that my nipples grew to the size of saucers and I cried over movie previews and screamed at my husband for an unmatched sock. I'll hold that precious angel and forget alllllll about the bad, only remembering the blessing that resulted in these 9 hellish months, and immediately want to do it all over again. But until that point, I'm going to remember. And I'm going to continue to smile and nod about how much I love being pregnant, all the while leaking unidentified vaginal fluid and trying to discretely adjust the elastic waist band that is likely digging into my love handles.
And let's be honest, with these hormones? I'll probably post in again in a few weeks, through weepy eyes, telling you all how much I really do love being pregnant.
Aubrey,
ReplyDeleteTotally natural. I had some days where I didn't mind being pregnant, but on the whole I hated it. I remember one day telling Dan I was going to serve the kid an eviction notice (about 6 months into the pregnancy). No judgement here. I love catching up on your blog and hearing all about your pregnancy. I am so stoked for you and Ben and hope to meet Little Baby E when he/she gets here...but sometimes I feel sad and selfish that I don't have another baby of my own and again that is coming from someone who hated the pregnancy part of motherhood. The point is you can't help but feel the way you feel and when these 9 months are over with and you have your baby in your arms the only thing you are going to be thinking is: totally worth it.
I have a folder titled "Baby Stuff" where I am stashing wisdom from women who are blazing the baby trail before me. This? Oh, it's going at the very top.
ReplyDeleteWELL DONE.
And I absolutely LOVE this quote from Glennon's post:
"But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add- “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.” "
Amen sister! Thank goodness it's not just me!
ReplyDeleteI keep telling The Man that I'm not playing this game again!
Hopefully it's nice and cool where you are, because the heat here is killing me. It makes my brain shut down and my body melt! It's incredible!
I have two kids now and I can emphatically say I hated being pregnant...every day of both pregnancies. I LOOOOVE being a mom but the puking, weight gain, swelling, weeping over anything and everything, and the crazy hot flashes and uncomfortableness SUCKED BIG FAT MONKEY BALLS! When I look back on it there are moments I miss..like the kicks (when I wasnt trying to sleep) and the caresses of my belly from my husband and kisses to my belly from my daughter but I in no way shape or form want to do it again. 2 is my limit. It is true that once you hold your baby it is all WORTH it but I dont think it changes the fact that is sucked for 9 months. I personally dont understand the women that hate labor. For the love of God I would take my 5.5 hrs and 59 minutes of pain and no drugs over the 9 flipping months of hell. At least I get a reward at the end of the pain and I can sleep on my stomach again. Hours are easier to handle than months in my opinion. I am loving your honesty about your pregnancy cause I agree whole heartedly with you.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across your blog from Glennon's post. It made me cry. It made me cry because I had the same experience. I HATED being pregnant. I felt guilt for hating it. I smiled, with clenched teeth when people, my fellow sisterhood of women, would tell me how "lucky" I was and they wish they could just "be pregnant" - I am with you- I appreciated the miracle and wanted to be a mother, but "to be pregnant" - not so much! Towards the end, when I was still puking All day Everyday....I finally stood up. When people would say that, the hormones got to me. I became combative. Aggressive! I was growing a boy, so I think his testosterone gave me the courage. I actually thought, "this is how men must feel- to be able to say whatever they want with reckless abandon!" I said, "NO I hate being pregnant. I don't know if I will ever do it again." They would respond, in an all knowing giggle, "Oh you will forget, hehe" NOPE. Didn't forget. I love my son, fiercely, but I have guilt repellent now. I belong to the "I hated Pregnancy Club" and I am OK WITH IT! You will be a great mother, even if pregnancy was hard. I always feel like it prepared me for the battle hymn of motherhood. I mean, I puked for 8 months straight...getting up in the middle of the night was a cakewalk...especially with a hamburger that actually stayed put!
ReplyDeleteCarry On Warrior, with your hormones and all! Let the hormones talk once in awhile, it suits you!
oops, I am not sure why my name is not publishing above- my name is Veronica. :)
ReplyDelete